But, is it nothing to know when you are dying, when you are about to take leave of this world, of its joys and sorrows, when the past of your life is unfurled before you, when eternity opens wide its portals, is it nothing to know at that last awful,supreme moment of your lives, that you have not lived in vain, that you have lived for the benefit of others, that you have lived to help in the cause of your country's regeneration?

-Surendranath Banerjea

Sunday, December 20, 2009


PI:It's been really long since i even visited blogspot.Been very very busy with training,and the meager time i get to visit my family can't be wasted being online.I really miss blogging just as i miss the blogger friends,and their interesting life.Take care.

Khuda Hafiz

Sunday, October 18, 2009


I'd been away for a while..and so will i be again after this lull..I wanted to call it a siesta..but i literally had the siesta even before i ate..Pun apart,I was finally into corporate world joining the league of those infinite poor innocent  souls waiting for the month end for the pay slip..

I'd been a day-schii throughout my life..hostels were not something i liked,coz i appreciated a bit of privacy and a lot of freedom..hostels provided neither..And to someone who had never been away from the home,the comfort zone,this definitely was 'an experience'..Howsoever people lauded the combination of money with freedom when it came to working somewhere away from the hometown,there are times,when your mind reiterates the fact that there's nowhere on earth more heavenly than the home..there's no one on earth more caring than the parents..

It's just been a fortnight since i joined,and it already feels like years..I missed my home like hell..Not that i had any worries there,but it's just like that..i missed my mom,my dad,bro..my room,pc,.my courtyard..my honda activa..my friends..What not..How i wished every morning,to find myself wake up out of just a dream,into the real world being my home,which obviously was just a hope hopen..To even think that i would be in a place where i wouldn't see my dad and mom get back home tired from the office,or to find my bro snoring before the heap of books,or to find myself busily smsing a friend was all hurtful..Every evening i wished for that cup of coffee my mom gave..and those cookery shows i performed at home..and those long enlightening discussions with my dad on topics varying from current ones to personal stuffs..and those wacky talks with my bro on his crush..

I knew this was life..This was how it was destined to be,and this was my time to earn,and accomplish all those long cherished dreams in life..But the emotional self keeps peeping out..I might sound weird or crazy or soppy..May be i am..Life is a bigger picture than just a courtyard or a cup of tea..but I still find it difficult..even with those friends around,and even with those 5 star facilities i'm provided with,all i wish for is,an endless today,so that my diwali holidays don't end,and i don't need to return tomo..

PS:I know this is nothing more than a short sulking post..do bear with me,if not empathize..

Note:Life is good as of now but for these bouts of home-sickness..I'm kinda in an isolated world where laptops are not allowed..and the company provides a net which has almost all those useful sites,(to be read as gmail,yahoo,facebook,orkut,twitter,blogger) blocked..And hence i can by no means read your blogs until i find some proxy..So I apologize for my absence!!

Khuda Hafiz

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

What next?

She was violent with fits..With all my fortitude,i asked Dr.Ravi to pay special attention to her..
It's been 18yrs..

It was my first day at college..The euphoria of standing under the limelight being the 1st ranker in state medical entrance added to the excitement of the long awaited medicos life was clearly visible in my face..I couldn't just be composed..

Long speeches on the nobility of medical profession,the ethics to be followed,the service to be rendered..It was the freshers addressing,by the principal..Speeches can be rapturously spellbinding as well as effing boring..this belonged to the latter..not coz he was speaking any bullshit..but becoz words were flowing not as a river but as a waterfall!! You capture attention when you speak from your heart,being pristine clear about what next to speak while at the same time put your point candid and succinct..

I was tired of yawning..and that was when she caught my glimpse..The tall one in red salwar with a long black hair beautifully braided..with a gleaming spotless face and a small bindi just between the perfectly curved brows..the long dark eyes and carefully carved nose..the slightly pinkish gluttonous lips..I was jolted out of my dream world when i realized it was no more the raspy harangue i was listening to but this girl's song..i couldn't fathom if her looks added grace marks to the voice,but it definitely was sweet..

That was Padma..Did i ever have a clue while ogling at her shamelessly that she was gonna be my classmate and labmate and one of my best friends in the next 5 yrs..
I couldn't take my eyes off her everytime she spoke to me nodding her head slightly..showing least of all nuances..Neither could i help admiring her..for the compassionate way of dealing with every tom dick and harry around..for the dexterity with which she spoke 6-7 languages..for the gracious dance performances..

Since when did we become friends is unknown..not that i took any undue interest out of the reverence for her..but somehow we ended up being in the same group in the 1st year..and later on ended up being in the same gang,fooling around as well studying the ass off together..
The 5yrs were the wondrous age of my life..the happiness and enjoyment is beyond articulation..I couldn't thank god more..

"Das,I need to talk to you.."

"Yeah sure.."

Our final exams were done with..And that was padma..with an unusual coy and preface..

"It's been 5.5yrs we had been knowing each other..Not that i claim to know you in and out..your past and future..but i feel i can keep you happy,and more,i cannot be happier if i'm yours..I love you with all your strength and weakness.."

This is what i call the irony of life..Ever since you identify the masculineness in you,the wish,the ache,the urge to have a love blossoms..And it is when you seriously have someone knocking at your door,that you understand that it was not love but a fling that you wished for..

"Listen padma,not that i have anything against you..not that i dislike you..But to me,my career is most important,at least at this point of time..Marrying at 23 may be feasible for a girl,not a guy..moreover an MBBS is not at all sufficient to be an established doctor..i have my aim and vision,and i cannot veer from it,and neither can i get distracted for another 5-6yrs..I know you would wait if i ask you to,till then..But i canot get committed or ask you to be expectant of my return to you..So i would request you forget this conversation,and we remain friends forever"

I'd pondered over my words over and over again the entire night..My state of mind,my actions in the past which could have been a wrong cue for her..I couldn't read anything from her face..As always she never gave away her mind in nuances..I didn't know when i slept off amid the flurry of thoughts..but only when i woke up to ravi's nudges at 4.30am that i knew i was long asleep..

"Man,padma OD'ed herself with insulin,propenelol and phenol barbitone.."

"What the fuck!! When? And where's she now??"

All i can remember now i seeing her in the ICU,and later comatose for a very long time..

Time passed by and public memory is very short..I wonder if anyone remembers her even..But can i forget her just like that??The one,whose life i sabotaged,if not intentionally though..

I'm married,happily of course..and I'm now an established cardiologist in the city..But does the brightness in my life succeed in overshadowing my dark past??I prayed for her life,when she was in the ICU..I prayed for her death when she was left half dead..Now she's alive..no more comatose..But in a more despicable pathetic condition of lunatic-ism..Can i sleep at least a wink without the prick of guilt and contrition before i die? Why would god be this cruel!!

Appendix: As far as i know,an overdose of insulin reduces blood sugar to precarious levels so that oxygen supply to brain is blocked and brain is rendered useless.. Phenol barbitone reduces blood pressure,an overdose is equally dangerous to hypertension.. Propenelol is sleeping pills.. So the combination of all the three is worse than cyanide..


Khuda Hafiz

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


'..The capacity to laugh at oneself is a sign of an individual's strength and wholeness.The inclination to discover grievances where none exists on the other hand,is a sign of emotional or psychological ill health..
..The disposition to be immoderately upset by even innocuous situations or statements should get us all deeply concerned..
..We must tolerate,indeed encourage and celeberate, the spirit of humour even if it is likely to prove vexatious at times; for the alternatives to humour are cruelty and weariness.Living as we do in grim and cheerless times,we should not exile the spirit of humour, just because we feel insecure about the irreverence that is germane to it..'

 -The Hindu,22/09/09

Sometimes or rather most of the times,i feel,I'm one of those non-humorous mundane beings who doesn't even know to crack a joke..not that i categorize into those people with some attitude problems who restrains a smile..
Humor is a talent which not everyone is blessed with..But appreciating,everyone can..Cracking a joke,or at least a chuckle to ease the tension,is something that most find difficult..
After all life lasts for not more than 65-70yrs,at the most..and we spend it brooding over trivia,fuming ourselves at frivoulous stuffs,regretting on retrospection..Why so serious..

It's not that the humorless me suddenly found herself guilty and decided to redeem..No,.not that i don't want to,but that's not something i could achieve overnight..for I'm one of those vulnerable ones,finding it comfortable to chastise and crucify the self rather than laughing at the situation..worse is when i don't forget my mistakes howsoever small,and keep reminding myself with guilt to the extent that i find a grip of tormenting jinn over my body which makes my life less happy..it sometimes appears to me as if i find a pleasure in incriminating and incinerating myself,which ultimately has to change if i happen to look forward to the prospects for fullness in life..

May be i should overlook my mistakes as well as others',for,to err is human..

PS:Congress spokesperson,on dynastic succession: You appreciate 4th generation of lawyers,and 5th generation of doctors in a family,then why not a 2nd or 3rd generation in politics???? 
Reliving the caste system,eh??Potter's son becomes a potter,and sweeper's son,a sweeper..

PPS:Really proud of Yugratna Srivastava..The kid gives me goosebumps!!

Khuda Hafiz

Sunday, September 20, 2009


Black Effendi : "Since I had,in my childlike naivete, no doubt that my love would be reciprocated,I grew exceedingly assured and came to regard the world as a good place. You see,it was with this same earnestness that i involved myself with books, and came to love them, to love the reading my Enishte required of me back then, my religious school lessons and my illustrating and painting. But as much as i owed the sunny, festive and more fertile first half of my education to the love I felt for Shekure, I owed the dark knowledge that poisoned the latter time to being rejected; my desire on icy nights to sputter out and vanish like the dying flames in the iron stoves of a caravansary, repeatedly dreaming after a night of love that i was plunging into a desolate abyss along with whichever woman lay beside me, and the notion that I was simply worthless-all of it was furnished by Shekure"

Esther : "Every idiot assumes there's a pressing circumstance about his love that necessitates particular haste and thereby lays bare the intensity of his love,unwittingly putting a weapon into the hands of his beloved.If his lover is smart,she'll postpone the answer."

-Orhan Pamuk

I'm still flabbergasted at the intensity and repertoire of this feeling called love.. To some,it's a motivating power,a driving factor,an energy capsule,which penetrates into the hardest shells,and consumes it fully revitalising it.. To some,it's just a degrading aspect plunging the already satiated soul into an abyss.. More or less like a nuclear fission n fusion reaction taking the form of the destroyer or the sustainer..

What makes it a subject of contemplation now,is the fate of a very dear friend,who plummeted into shit from the state of reverence..A genius he was,spiritually enlightened,intellectually elated,remarkably poised.Somewhere along he lost himself over to a girl who filled his heart,which then he felt to be void till date.."My love,in its fullness and purity,is for none other than her..not even my parents or siblings shall dare stake their share for it..",were words that escaped his mouth..

For reasons obscure,she denied..the more she ignored him,the more persistent he was..and the more determined he was to prove his credentials.. His crucifixion didn't really last any longer than 6 months when she nodded a yes.. If you, the glorified reader, supposed it to be the end of the story,you are wrong..for it was only the beginning of a fall..

Friends he lost,for she consumed him totally,eating up his money n time..priorities changed..it was not symbiosis,but parasytism..
An imbecile she was,when it came to studies,and he was pride to take up her tutilege..The more he sacrificed himself to bring her up,the more he lost himself..Law of conservation of marks stood ratified,coz every single grade she earned was visibly lost by him,to the extent that she was at par with him in the penultimate sem,and surpassed him towards the end,when he was still grappling with the backlogs ever since his lovelife flourished..

Very few campus romance sustains forever..and sometimes we fail to understand that it's only the grades and the friends we earn in the college that stay by you perpetually..He earned neither..and ironically he lost her too..a mutual break up they call it..whatever it was,he lost himself,his values,his friends,his academic credentials,every goddamn thing for her,only to prove worthless in the end..

Was it worth that?

Khuda Hafiz

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Free Tutoring!!! :(

"Will you please teach me this chapter..My maths ma'am this year is no better than a crap..none of us understand a shit"..This has been a plea i dread ever since i graduated,aka been joblessly loitering at home...from none other than my brother..

"I can't teach you an entire chapter and all..I aint any professional..May be,i can clear a couple of your doubts"

"But,i understood nothing to have doubts..Don't you get my point?"

"But how would i dexterously TEACH??"

So there goes my 'tutoring' in maths,despite all my cribbing,out of which he scores 39/40,and i earn the name of a naturally skillful teacher,which otherwise should have been something i could gloat over..But as in spiderman,'With greater powers,come greater responsibilities'..If it was just maths that he claimed not to have understood,physics and chemistry were no better thereon..On thorough interrogation comes his excuses,"You know,none of the boys are attentive in the class..What dumbass are you..Had you not been studying in co-education for 16yrs,and still you dunno the basic psychology?"

Now i look dumb,just as he called me..and i realize that he wouldn't relent unless i at least clear his doubts..And hence i ask him to read the text book aloud,and there comes 'spectroscopy' in physics..First doubt!!.."Check dictionary,what the meaning of the term is..If you are still not satisfied,just Google it..that's the modern way of studying"..That's none other than me! I'm truly grateful to the most wonderful of all inventions,Google..

But doubts seldom pertain to just the terms..but encroach to the tougher realms of problems in laws of motion,which can be solved using differential calculus..I start solving the problem,and there comes the next doubt,"What's differential calculus?What's d/dt??"Obviously,the kids have not been taught calculus yet,and physics needs calculus..Screw the syllabus..and i'm doomed,and i teach calculus,to no avail..i ain't any good teacher as my impression is..

"You can use calculators in the college??How lucky you are,we need to do all the big calculations by ourselves!!",poor guy..to which i shower my sympathy asking,"Why don't you use Log tables??"

"Yeah..you so well read my mind!!! I was about to ask you to teach me Log!!! We don't have it in the curriculum you see!"

Oh shit..Stercus Accidit..Shit happens..over n over again in my case..

Those are the times i revere my school teachers..those angels from heaven,some of who appeared to be witches then..who very well cleared my stupider queries without being the least annoyed!

Those days when i was equally non-attentive in the class,with pamela ma'am,not pamela anderson,my chemi teacher,calling my name without raising her head from the book she was reading from,to wake me up from the deep dreamy slumber i was in..and yet be so loving and caring..

Those days when i used to ping on my sanskrit sir with utopian questions,until he would say,lemme refer and let you know later..

The days when my maths teacher,preetha ma'am,the tall,fair and beautiful teacher with impeccable features and sweet voice,and an equally promising brains,burn people with her acid tongue.."Better get married off than getting screwed in maths exam..But beware,married life is tougher than maths exam" used to be her ultimatum..
Those days when my physics ma'am,who was the university topper,would swear at us with words that were unheard of during those days.."Idiotic monkeys" was the commonest and the most decent one..

The only exception being the biology teacher,who people never chose to approach with questions,thanks to her marathon classes which reminds us of hitler's concentration camps..If he knew of her then,he could rather have used her lectures as a better way of torturing..

How did they manage to infuse such knowledge into we block headed nitwits is something that baffles me now!!..If i were to say,teachers in the college,if not all most,need not be included in the list,for i've long realized that we students are a lot more quick witted than they are..People who manage to do not even a single proof without the aide of the books..

"Hey,i have an exam tomorrow..You are anyway jobless right..Just read this chapter in chemistry and get me the gist of it..I'll revise in the morning"

WTF! Do i appear to be some foot board to be stamped by everyone??

PS:Yet another product of my boredom!! :D

Khuda Hafiz

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


Marriages are a pain in the ass..Well,not literally..
Yeah it's a wonderful stuff where,to be put in the C language,
if(Things are all spic and span)
Two souls merge and unite into a single entity..
To quote a fellow blogger,"Marriage is like a bodyspray.It is fresh and nice in the beginning.But very soon the scent mixes with your sweat and combined effect is bad."

Yeah, it is a conditional clause..like a controlled reaction wherein,provided the stipulated temperature and atmospheric conditions are maintained,with the right amount of catalyst,the reaction takes the right course of action..A sheer negligence might prove catastrophic..

XX + XY --> xx/xy
(at aK,B torr,in the presence of C catalyst)

Given the mediocrity in occurrence of the reaction,it's quite plausible for the mortal souls to assume that initiation is pretty cheap,which obviously is worse than a misconception.. But it is quite a fact that only one of the reactants needs to bear 75% of the cost..XX to be precise..

The enzymes required being money in the liquid and solid form..Money in the transformed versions of the grandiose scheme of ceremonies.. Money to be invested in banks and real estates for the secured future of the newbies..

Yours truly was lucky enough to witness a couple of such grand events recently,where the bride was to wear about 10 silk sarees,(5 being compulsory in the custom,which i suppose has been grossly manipulated,misinterpreted and mutilated in favor of the subject),each amounting to a minimum of 7k..and 2.4kg gold,after which the bride might have even had a cervical spontilitis..with marriage ceremonies lasting for 2 days,and a reception as an embellishment..

The queer characteristic of such a reaction is that,the source of XX needs to not only initiate the reaction,but also keep providing the required impetus for the reaction in the form of periodic visits with fortunes,bear the expenses of maintaining the product of the reaction in the amicable conditions aka bring out the progeny..

I was not intending to make it a bawl post.. So i swerve away..
There i was,in the auditorium..With vidya,my childhood friend..
Marriages are boring but for one thing..the handsome and beautiful people showing up..They are the only means of entertainment without any age bar..There were these guys,who ostensibly were the groom's friends..one being tall and handsome by my yardsticks..Not that we were being one of those cheap and silly oglers..but rather subtle beholders..I was particularly curious about this guy's status,for i had seen him with a girl the day before..And so were we,comfortably enjoying the new-found obsession,when suddenly i hear a male voice next to me..

"I suppose both the guys are in the market..And one of them just had his mom ask for you..You want me to proceed or what?",that was my honorable manufacturer..

For once i felt i was doomed..all my feuds at home to push away my marriage for 2yrs,were all to be futile..Oh My God..I looked around with embarrassment..But without much ado,there was this lady heading to us..I couldn't concentrate on her talks with my dad,coz the embarrassment had made me almost deaf,dumb and blind..

And then i heard,"No,she's not gonna get married for next two years.."

Praise the Lord..

Khuda Hafiz

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Give.. You get more..

The test turned negative today too..
I'm fed up.. Fed up of everything..my career,family,friends,life..Everything seems so grey and monotonous..as a portrait made in prosaic colors..

The life,which i once was thankful to god for,now seems to be ridiculous..as if living has become totally absurd and worthless..as if there's nothing to surge me ahead,..as if there's no purpose for my existence..

Never had i found my bosoms aching so much to hold her tight..feed her..feel the divine pleasure of motherhood..
Never had i been so desperately wanting to watch her grow..listen to those murmurs and whimpers..hold her tiny arms making her walk..
Never had i been so desperate to kindle the joy of learning and playing in her..To savor her transformation from a chubby chweetie infant to the cute little kid to the pretty girl to the mature woman in the bridal suite..

I remember those numerous times i asked my mom about the pain of pregnancy and the reason why she endured them all to bring me out and later bring me up..those umpteen sleepless nights of hers,when my unreasonable sobs and whimpers woke her up..the kind of pleasure she found in my stupid jokes and berates during school and college days..the patient way by which she taught me in my initial years..the enthusiasm with which she infused all those religious values in me..And i all the more remember those days when i asked her why she did all those,paining herself..

But now i understand..the depth of her pleasure..which makes me a desperate freak..
The realization that I can't gift my man his progeny is sickening..making me constrict into an atom..And the disappointment which is all i had for my loving parents and in-laws fork to more than self-chastisement..
The education,career,money..The friends and family..All that i considered most important till date now seems to be nothing more than a sheer glimmer..

My prayers..The infinite medical treatments..nothing seems to come for aide..Unexplained infertility they call it..what is that supposed to mean??Does it keep at least a window open,if not a door???

My eyes no more glints the love for him,for i'm rendered incapable to look into his..The feeling of having failed him miserably rankles..The feeling of being an infertile land to sow the seeds makes me degrade myself into nothing better than a piece of shit..

Is there gonna be a new day??


We named her Nanditha..
The one who infused new meanings to our life..
Who changed our life from the prosaic portrait to a colorful postcard..
Who took our world into new realms..

I'm grateful to St.Mary's convent to help us bring this little angel to fill our empty hole with light and substance..darkness i was in,with the notion that a child can be mine,only if i were the one giving birth..children are like flowers in the garden..seeds don't matter..land doesn't matter..they are always beautiful,filling happiness in every spectator..

PS:Although the post is a mere imagination,i dedicate it to the lady i met during my visit to mumbai,in my relatives' circle..The one,who despite having been very highly educated and royally employed,adopted a girl child to fill the void in her life..My ovation to Priya :)

Khuda Hafiz

Friday, September 4, 2009



"Hows holidaying?",smiling,as she always did on hearing his voice..

"It's going good..now we're heading to a beach,thats 50km away"..

"50km?Is it that worth?Whats so special about the beach?",mysterious,eh!

"We get the little drops of heaven there.."


"**No response**"

"Don't do that yaar..",voice almost frail..

"**No response**"

Ever since her conversation with him in the afternoon,she had been restless,deprived of peace of mind..Turbulence rankled inside..tears fluttered and peeped out,ready to burst..Restlessly she wandered around..There was nothing she found which could distract her..

She prayed for long,unusual in a usual day,as if in search of those 'drops of heaven',which she always found with god.. She tried straining herself with every possible way until she was exhausted..But with every quantum of exhaustion,her exasperation and self-chastisement spiraled..There was nowhere she could turn to for solace..music,books,nothing extended their arms in support..

His arrogance and balls that she found attractive,seemed a ridiculous pain in the ass now,for she knew he wouldn't comply by anyone but himself..She always loved him for the way he was..the arrogance,shamelessness,defiance,.there was not a single quality she found nauseating.. She enjoyed his theories on booze,fag,dope,girls, with the pinch of optimism that it was the age factor..Every passing day she hoped,alas prayed for him to redeem..

'I will stop fags once i get employed',was his word,which he never lived upto..
'I've stopped doping ceremonially',was his declaration after graduation,which he never respected..
And every single time he left for holidaying with his friends,she despite being happy for his happiness,couldn't help shuddering out of agony,over his abysmal life..

Strangled between the conservative upbringing which held her back from accepting things as they were before and her blinding love for him which made her all the more optimistic was she..Blanched and baffled..

Was her hope to be unrequited or genuinely answered?

PS:I'm thankful to ZB for the exercise he conferred on us..I really enjoyed the foray into story writing.. I may not be very good at fictions..but do bear with my fragile imaginations..

Khuda Hafiz

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

A dip into diaries..

28 April 2008
I'm the happiest man today..i keep wondering if god has ever been so profligate in blessing me..3yrs back,if i were to say,i would have called myself the most pathetic being i ever knew..Not that i was that pathetic in real,but when compared to the ecstasy i'm in today,i was pitiable and lonesome..

With immense gratitude,i would for sure,acknowledge that i always had a smooth life..loving parents and caring friends..a promising job that paid me handsomely..But in spite of all that i had a voidness within which nothing or no one could fill.. I was happy outwardly,but somewhere deep inside,i was in search of something,which was then a wild goose chase..I felt none of those friends or family would suffice to make me happy..my prudent self asked me to be satiated when my emotional self did not relent..

I still remember the day i met priya..like a cool breeze on a dry sultry day..
Aeyy...i'm being cheesy..which i choose not to be.. :D
She was not the 'yet another beautiful customer service executive with a sweet voice'..She infused a difference right since i met her..Her indifference intrigued me..She was an enigma..But the more she pushed me away,the more i felt closer..I increasingly felt that this was the one i was searching for..

I transformed into one of those dreamy romantic heroes,lost in the thoughts of his heartthrob..the image i so well despised ever since..I found myself cooking up excuses and complaints to dash into her office..I wanted to look into her eyes,the deep ones which conveyed a message which i couldn't decipher..I wanted to hold her tight and say aloud that,this is my girl..the feeling was ecstatic..yet overwhelming..

Asking her out was my mistake..or so it turned out..for it broke my heart,at least for a while..only to transform into a new realm later..Her denial was meted out to me with a shock..i was certain that she was the one..staunch believer of the Almighty i'm,and my intuitions have always served me right..But i couldn't understand why i was rejected..

Perseverence had never been my forte..but with her,everything was the first..
God is great..He has always been..
My absence was gripping her tight,just as hers was to me..And in a week's time,i had this glorified visitor at my reception desk,with sunken red eyes..I felt the wind flowing in my direction..But not favourable altogether,for again i committed the mistake of proposing her..

She was the one..My mind ascertained..for inside the hard periphery,i knew,there was a vulnerable kid,trying to veil inside the shroud of mystery..

We became friends..getting closer everytime we met..She opened up with me the way she did with no one else..for wary she was of everyone..Every single man reminded her of her dad,the ruthless man who abandoned his family in her childhood..the dire jeopardy out of the treachery was more than hysterical..To her men were deception personified..some ruthless..some chivalrous..but deception was not something to be sifted from their blood..trust was not something to be associated with them..beau and beast were more than mere synonyms.. Every single man meant the same to her..reminding her of the person she despised being born to..abandoning her mom,making her life nothing better than a shit pit.. Determined she was,not to repeat her mom's mistake,of being naive to give her life and soul to the undeserving.. Wary she was,to get associated with the other half of the mankind..

Love has this power..of infusing even into the strongest hearts..
We were meant to be one..
Nothing could disentangle us anymore..
If she was to be transferred to Bangalore,I was destined to pursue higher studies in the same city..God is great,so has He always been..

There's no more any barricades between us..not anything physical,nor emotional..She is my other half today,the one without which my life would be grossly incomplete..and now,when i'm into journalism,the career i so well have been passionate about,with her beside,i have no words to hail Him..for God is great,so has He always been..


28 April 2009
Now mom is gone too..I'm dubious if its sadness that's engulfing me.. Because,death is no more something i fear..Last one year was like a roller coaster to me..as if i were caught in a hurricane..And it was the darkest age in my 24years on the globe..

A year back,i was the happiest one in the world..Love was pouring into me with compounded interests..it was as if God was paying me the compensations for my 22yrs of pitiable life..World started seeming to be a wonderful place altogether..and every human being appeared to me loving and caring and genuine..I never knew being in the aura of a person you love could infuse a totally different perspective in you..With arun,everything was different..everything was better..

Life is an arena,where there's this survival of the fittest ringing sharp..In a competition between me and death,as always,i was the underdog..She snatched arun from me..Without him,my life was an empty hole..Without him i was in an empty pit..With him She snatched every euphoria i ever had in my life..Life started seeming different altogether..the days of vulnerability and hurt recurring..It was as if those wonderful days and Arun were part of a dream,out of which i woke up,to find myself in the same pitiable lonesome condition..

I could no longer take in any more grief..Reality was hard..and i was too comfortable being unrealistic..If not in life,i wanted to embrace him in death..A blade costed less than 10bucks,which i could afford easily..A tick on wrist and dripping blood was all i wished,for if not in life,i wanted to embrace him in death..But life is not always the way you want it to be..Men are not always the masters of their fate,and i wonder what made Shakespeare say they were then..

I loathed every effort of my neighbors to salvage me..When i wanted to live,death did not let me live with the one..When i wanted to die,life did not let me die.. But no more was he the mortal soul in my life,i could shudder off and move on..he was my other half..my life and soul was blended perfectly with his..And a sheer victory of death over me in the chase wouldn't ever separate me from him..For i still live in his aura..No more was i to be the squeamish flimsy girl..I had a purpose in life to fulfil.. I had parents to look after,not just mine,but his..I had his passion to take up..

Now that when mom is gone,i feel jealous..for she meets him up earlier than i would..
But i have parents to look after..They lost their son,only to have me as their daughter..
I have a career to pursue..for Journalism had been his passion,which he left for me to take up..
I have him,to live with..For it's not just his life,but his soul that's interweaved with mine..
May be i sound a schizophrenic..May be i sound silly..But never had i felt myself so sober before..Never have i found myself a purpose in life..


This is my version of the story for ZB's plot for short story competition..

Khuda Hafiz

Thursday, August 27, 2009


Train journeys have always been a pleasant experience ever since..be thats in a crowded stinky 'general' compartment or the posh 'ac' coach..every single journey had been an experience worth relishing..I still remember,if not all,some of those fellow passengers in the past..the sweet lady from Delhi with short hair,who advised me to use almond oil on the hair..the family from Nasik,with a bubbly kid..the gals who i howled with inside every tunnels in Shimla..

If not perceive fully,it at least made me understand or witness the plights of being born a poor..the small kids who come around cleaning the floor or polishing your shoes for the meager pennies you throw at them..children who sing 'raja ko rani se pyar ho gaya' drumming on their empty tummy for a bit mercy..blind and handicapped crawling before you.. They did annoy me in the past..i hated their songs..i loathed their pleas..i despised even a sight of them..not because i was some ruthless shylock,but my small mind was so confortable believing that world was a safe haven where every human being could live comfortably..I chose to believe that poverty was not a big affair.. And when you are gloating in some non-disgusting thoughts,you find yourself demonstrating Newton's first law of inertia.. And so was i..

Until,i came out of the nest..where you are nestled and pampered by your parents,who pay for every goddamn request of yours(of course not all of them!)..ratifying the unwritten law that,dad is your banker by nature..

Being granted the laissez faire to spend a stipulated amount of money is definitely a wonderful thing..for you don't have to turn everytime over your shoulders for approval..you can shop or party around as and when you wish..and you find the glut of edifices for the money gushing up..theatres,malls,restaurants,..

And that was exactly what came to my mind too,when i was to embark on a journey alone,to Mumbai..i thought of the umpteen times, i was rejected a request for an ice cream or snacks in the train..Lays and Bytes blinded me..the flocks of colorful magazines i couldn't buy.. And i thought this was my time..my hour of profligate spending..

But it's when you start spending yourself that you understand it was a lot better to have someone spend for you than letting you act judiciously..the responsibility is painstaking..And the old celebrated skinflint in me resurfaces.. And every time i was to spend,the dwindling money in my account pops up inside the mind..and the thoughts of people who toil the whole day to make their ends meet blur the sight..the slums on the side of the highway haunts..

It was in my return journey that i met this woman,.the principal of a school in mumbai..Without much ado,we became quite friendly..and i was bemused by her craving for snacks..bananafry, vadas, vadapav from chiplun, cashewnuts and groundnuts.. reminded me of how i was..58 she was,8 i felt..

By the end of the journey,she n her hubby quite liked me as a daughter,blessing me and hugging me..i'd always made it a point not to inquire people's personal details during journeys,and hence,even after 28hours together,i had no clue of their names.. Getting down at my station,i felt a tinch of grief..coz i quite liked them..flimsy i may sound..but i either get too attached or remain totally detached..either of those extremes..

Turning back,last two days seem to have happened ages back..Meeting these people,..the elderly brahmin couple,who explored almost the whole historic india,panchavati,hrishikesh,haridvar,kailas,muktinath,and lot more..,the french-german lady who out of her love for india was on her 8th visit,..i quite liked them all,for their care and affection for me,obviously as i was travelling alone.. And the thought grips me tight that i would never meet any of those people i met during such journeys..and still every one of them did mark at least a trivial brush in my life portrait..

Ain't life the same way..a train journey..where each of us have different destinations..sooner or later you part..some stay with you till the end..some get down in the earliest station..still everyone of them contributes to complete the jigsaw..

"You are not the child of the people you call mother and father,but their fellow adventurer on a bright journey to understand things that are.."-Richard Bach

PS:I began saying something..veered long..and ended up saying something else..flurry of thoughts i couldn't sift through..

Khuda Hafiz

Thursday, August 20, 2009


Playlist had been inundated with Bhageshri, Yaman,Bhupali,Jhinjinoti,..Even at this unearthly hour of 2.30am,there was this zest and zeal with tingling euphoria overflowing in everyone..for it was no ordinary wedding..aristocracy was at the edge of effusiveness..money and power definitely acted impeccably..

Amid all these frantic ecstasy,he sat reminiscing..Unlike every other groom,it was not happiness,but glum that filled his thoughts..for this day was not meant to be this way..at least not to him..Not that he whined on fate..he forked out his way himself..But there was this gut feeling of being depleted of everything in life..

Life was not a roller coaster to him,.to an exemplary genius born to an extra-ordinarily rich dad,life was certainly not meant to be.. His handsomeness and chivalry made girls swoon over him..'Teacher's pet' was a sheer understatement..Rocking reeling yo yo guy he was,with an unrelenting charisma and friendliness..his pals wondered,if god could be this gracious to someone..repulsion was not gals' forte,when it came to him,the guys thought,with a tinge of obvious jealousy..the thought was left unchallenged,until they knew of this girl..

The girl..who shared his every dream..who made him crave for something crazily..who made him feel as if globe spun just for him..who made him feel like the king of the world..and for the first time ever,made him feel the pain of rejection..

He could never fathom her denials..nor could anyone.. He pursued on..until it became unbearable..until his perseverance dented out completely..until he realized five years were insanely long to carry on a simplex relationship..

As Danny Oceans opening statement,'My wife left me,and i went on a self destructive pattern'..so was he..on the self destructive pattern..loathing every single woman..He found the sadistic pleasure in them..the pain he infused in them was his way out of agony..but the misogynist in him could never despise the one,who once filled his thoughts..every lip he felt was nothing more than a dirty sip..for it was that perfect curve that still blinded him.. He savored his obsession about her,.reading her sms,checking the tiny photo in his wallet..

Brains he had..but not the right attitude..and it was not long before he proved himself unfit for technical education..Neither could he concentrate on the familial business..T-shirt captions kept changing from, “SHAME ON YOU GIRLS, I AM STILL A BACHELOR” to “FLIRT, BUT BE ALERT” to “NO MORE PAIN” to “DON’T TRUST GIRLS” to “SICK OF CRYING, TIRED OF SMILING, BUT INSIDE I’M DYING”..it was when the metamorphosis in T-articulation reached those alarming levels of “GOT GRASS?”, “FEED WEED”,and “GET ME DRUNK AND ENJOY THE SHOW” that people started poking their nose seriously into his life..glut of ideas,most of them weird,from all those loved ones,at last made him choose one..the one he felt sensible..

To share his,now pathetic,life with someone,.to have a companion in the lonely pitiable life,was not afterall a bad idea..the thought itself seemed rejuvenating..but with every progressing day,he increasingly felt the memories of the past haunting..entangled feelings of pain of rejection and pleasure of rejecting pushed him into abysmal levels,from which he had no escape..

There were no more any exits..no more any turning back..For this was his last night of bachelorhood..The destiny he chose,pulling someone else to tag along..
Was that into deeper shit or out of the hell?!

Khuda Hafiz

Monday, August 17, 2009

Is A always for Apple??

When mumbai is afflicted with the bloody swine flu virus,which literally puts me in house arrest,with all the malls and theaters virtually closed,comes the tag virus..the glorious virus which survived ages of quarantine pulling hordes into its grip..the one that proved beyond a thwart..the one which i perpetually ignored/avoided/feigned busy to attend to..this time from Durga(aka Joe)..

Not that i was always scathing towards it..i did fawn upon some of those less harmful ones..but the ones i ignored outnumbered the ones i attended..among those i brushed off were ramya's and hary's 'fours',which i covertly avoided,coz i had nothing to say,and not because i was some enigmatic historic figure :D..and in the list were those umpteen tags of amrit,the favorite books tag,the five lesser known things,the one profligate spending,etc which were pushed for the same reason..And i made it a point to isolate myself when i was inflicted upon by any of those and never passed on those tags..

But here was this tag..by the one i'd been friends with since those formative ages,i.e since '93..and the one i 'fear' for those verbal exchanges to the extent that i'd even removed her from my FB list for the fear of she suing me for putting up a pic in which she looks as if she had a stroke..

A:Arrogance..something i'm misunderstood to be associated with..

B:Beauty and Bitch..though at times i find the terms symbiotic..

C:Care and concern,which i shower upon my loved ones to the overwhelming levels that at times ventures to those annoying realms.. :D


E:Eccentricity..no i'm not..

F:Friends and Family..the most most important part of my life..

G:Gayathri..thats me!
George Clooney..i don't have to specify :D

H:Hitler!!..not that i worship him..but he's a great leader!..just like Winston Churchil..the negative tinted leaders!

I:Intelligence,a term controversially attached to me in the college..

J:Joy..don't worry be happy :)

K:Kalla krishna...
Krishnaa.. Guruvayurappaa...

L:Linkin Park..I'm a die hard fan :)

M:Mofo,a word i used in place of moron,accidentally,without knowing what it was,only to feel embarrassed and regretful for a hell lot of time!

N:Nostradamus.. needs an intro kya??


Pride and honour..nang and namoos..

Q:Queue..i hate it when people don't respect the queue..

R:Ryan Oberoi,..yeah the same one in FPS,who i loved for a long time..

S:Shini,my best best friend..
Satyam:Where i got placed first time in life,and became the vanguard in my batch..yeah show off intended :D..and no,i'm not jobless currently :D


U:Reminds me of a caption.. F CK..all i need is U!!


W:What and Why..questions i can't live without..


Y:Yankees!!..the superpower!

Z:Zip.. ;)!!

PS:@Joe,you could better have lashed me than this!!

PPS:@ Poor Innocent Souls who stopped by,Sorry for the horrible time !!

Khuda Hafiz

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Copyrights duly paid!!

In the bathroom i went to soak..I realized i cant find my soap..
Every single moment consumed me with hope..
But I found the stealer...It was the pope..
I found someone with whom I could elope..But where can I go without my soap..
She took my money and I became broke.. And got admitted to the hospital coz of a stroke..
I always thought life was fun with dope..But its not you see...coz I lost my soap..
Then I started a new life..Had a gal for a kickass wife..
Life went on with a lot of strife..
In the end she took a knife..
She stabbed me in the heart where I bled..Not a single tear did I shed..
Now how can I earn my butter n bread..
Coz I was this close to being dead..
Where I say...Where is my soap.. Let me clean the sins of a lifetime and be a good bloke..
I now work in a factory..People think of it coz its mockery..
To me degree from an esteemed NIT is all crap if you ask me.. Coz they wont let me be me..And in the end there is nothing free..
I paid for my soap some fifteen rupees..
And now i live with my soap and life is as tasty as cheese..

me: coool
ANAND: thank u

This is a poem or whatever you call it is,by Anand,a close friend ,in live version,during one of those thousand gtalk conversations,which i demanded to put it in my blog,despite his repeated abuses of plagiarism..'nimishakavi' we call it in malayalam..instant-poet?!

Khuda Hafiz

Friday, August 14, 2009


She sat beside him..
Fighting her uncontrollable urge..
To hold his hands..
Caress the palm..
Lean on his shoulders..
Instead she just stared at him..
Her eyes beseeching..
Speaking a tone of helplessness..
Her unconditional love reaching those painful realms..
Leaning forward she waited..
Without the slightest nuance..
As if reading her mind,he says..
"I don't feel the way you do..
I'm ready to switch into detachment..
I stay by just so that you overcome..
Overcome whatever it was..
Whatever was troubling..
Whatever was blinding..
Not because i feel the way you do.."
She just stared at his eyes..
Hoping to convey her mind..
And without another word,walked out..

I dreamt this scene yesterday..Didn't understand why or what it meant..But i couldn't shudder and get up..Felt myself tight and tied..And when i woke up in the morning,i felt severely dehydrated,with traces of tears on my cheeks..

PS:Wake up news:A girl,who seems not to be a resident, jumped from the 18th floor in the neighboring apartment..again another suicide!

PPS:People pls don't ask me if i was trying my hands at poetry,I WASN'T!

PPPS:As i mentioned in my previous post,i truly have no peace of mind..hence have not replied to any of your comments in a couple of posts..pardon requested..

Khuda Hafiz

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


'Plants are lucky no,that they dont die of a swine flu!!',says my 10yr old cousin,.i was quite amused coz i wasnt this aware of global affairs or pandemics when i was of his age..added to which i hadn't perceived the seriousness quite as well the boy did..

So that was my first day in mumbai,after my foray into lone travels..Not that it's a big deal to travel alone but when the whole world is swirling in the pandemic every loved one of mine was in the jitters asking me to be careful..msgs and calls were overflowing barring me from mingling with strangers..

So there was this kid,who ate every chunk of the newpaper devouring every complicated word with the help of a dictionary and making himself aware of global affairs..I was impressed for both me and my bro held arch-rivalry towards newpapers and books in the childhood..even when i was forced to read the newspaper by my grandpa aloud,i did that just for the heck of it..there was a time when i believed BJP was comprised of arabs and sheikhs.. there was even a time when i thought USA had a primeminister with a 5yr in the office..

But if at all there was a side-effect of being aware of everything,it was totally tangible here..coz knowledgeable and all the guy was,about the capitals,biggest countries and airports and waterfalls,about the types of govts in diff parts of the world,about sports..but just as the virtuous news made a positive impact so did the negative ones..

The kid doesnt stay alone in a room,coz he's afraid accomplices of Kasab might dash into the room with AK47..
He doesn't feed on raw vegetables coz he fears the tapeworm reaching the brain n rendering it inactive..
He doesn't receive balance 500rs notes from a shopkeeper coz there are chances of the note being fake..
And a lot more..

PS:I have no peace of mind to come up with something good,if at all i did earlier..felt i had to feed the blog..so please bear with this crap..

PPS:The hero is blogging now(i was the inspirer it seems :D)..I would request all the jobless people to stop by his..http://myworld-vignesh.blogspot.com/

Khuda Hafiz

Saturday, August 8, 2009


The logic behind 22 people running for a single ball,is something that's left me flabbergasted ever since..I grew up hearing my dad lauding n (kinda) worshiping Maradona,bitching about the undue prominence for cricket in India..It was not onam or vishu but football worldcup that was the big celebration at home,with dad ringing up every now n then for updates..

The football matches irritated me,.and it irritated my dad even more when football and cricket were scheduled simultaneously,my granpa being an ardent fan of cricket,if u even call someone a fan of a sport..As my bro grew up,he under the influence of granpa,was up for cric..playing,watching,dreaming cric..cric fever always..and he started becoming a threat to dad,the opposite league becoming strong day by day..and he,in the hope of having someone for support,started educating me the art of kicking n heading..I being the all time imbecile when it came to sports,understood every goddamn thing,that i rather absconded from the front room at the sight of a ten sports or espn running..

My bro grew up,developed his caucus in the neighborhood,and became a sports guy..the interest consistently being cric,leaving dad disturbed..Kid grew out of the nest and spheres of influence widened..the physical changes coincided with changes in interests,with dreams of a goal replacing the dreams of a 'sixer'..but the worst part was,his kicks i used to get amid deep sleep,out of some glorified dream in which he shares the field with ronaldinho and beckam,which earlier were some screams of a catch..

It became easier for me to buy him gifts,for anytime n everytime,all i had to do was buy a jersy or a football..Gloating and all my dad was,but that never made him refrain from yelling at the kid for the umpteen no: of CFLs he broke during the 'practice' sessions in the courtyard..

Burden of studies increased,and the stereotypical dad pressed the guy to concentrate on studies..10th being the most important year,kid was abstained from the ground..'Lemme play dad please,else i would be plump,..pleasee..PT Master says i can be in the school team..please appa..' became a popular plea,with the even more popular denial statement,'Study,..a second lost is lost forever'..Pleas gave way to demands,paving way to tiffs and verbal exchange..The scions finally reaching a conditional consensus decided to leave the fate to the board marks,90% being the threshold..

The otherwise 11th hour server,studied seriously and ended up scoring a 92..Not that it was something of a great mark..but it empowered him to play..get into the school team..realize all those dreams without compromising with the studies..

And so it was..
KV Thrissur comes out Champions in the zonal matches today,thus qualifying to play in the Regionals,in Chennai Region..
Sarcastic and all i am,to him,without really appreciating on the success..but i feel happy for him..truly :)..

PS:My bro comes home,elated and excited,wearing the jersy,the orange and black one..Dad smiles and says,'the same combination as ours in my 10th std'..


Khuda Hafiz

Thursday, August 6, 2009


Terrorism is in the limelight again,in the crucible,getting chastised for those precarious operations in the past,or rather for the flaws in the planning i would say,coz the meticulously planned operations are yet to be reproached..afteral your weakness is others' strength,and the flaws were their weakness..

Though it still took 6yrs to be done with the adjudication,i feel it's pretty quick when compared to the in-built latency of the Indian Judicial system,which is rather ratified by the '93 blast trial..and it was nothing but the 2003 Mumbai twin blast case i was referring to where all the 3 convicts are awarded a death penalty..Not that i believe they would all be executed,especially when Afsal Guru is still alive,in a country where human rights activists are more concerned of the lives of the fugitives and ruthless convicts than those of innocent citizens,especially when capital punishment is under crucifixion even when the safety of the laymen is not ensured..

I seriously don't understand why there's such a hue and cry about the validation of capital punishment..May be a human being has no right to plunge the right of a mate to live,but not when the person has proved himself detrimental to the mere existence of others..The reason why we have greater number of Indian terrorists,and barely any American peers identified,i feel,is this serious breach in delivering punishment..It is the fear of getting castigated that abstains people from committing a crime..And this,is why i feel Pak still remains the safe haven for most terrorists,for even the Pakis agree that it is quite difficult to incarcerate someone in Pak,even with ample evidence,thanks to the fragile law structure..

I'm reminded of Hashmi's and Shabana Azmi's charge on denial of an apartment on the basis of their religious identity..Not all the muslims are terrorists is what i acquiesce in too..but the disturbing fact is,every goddamn culprit in a terror strike reveals an Islam identity,and people like Hashmi,resorting to vituperative remarks on other communities,tarnish the guileless muslims living in harmony with others,thus disrupting the secular unity of the nation..

If those few jihadis and suicide bombers who claim tutelage of the entire muslim community,are responsible for the terror instigated,not all the muslims are to be held culpable..Sadly,those few manage to capture attention by looming themselves large,even when their lives are at stake..

Kasab still languishes in the prison,but since it is India,he can still hope of getting out for another Al-queda or LeT operation some day,with pro'ly some Indian President sympathizing on his plight.. May be those 3,of 2003 blast would also join him for the next operation..who knows..no possibility can be expunged in India!

PS:I give a heartfelt ovation to Japan,on this 64th Hiroshima day,for that is the only country that i feel has nudged itself into development than a vindictive retaliation after a hulking blow..

Khuda Hafiz

Monday, August 3, 2009

Do i ace the test?

Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary defines the word Sabbatical as a period of time when somebody, is allowed to stop their normal work in order to study or travel..so i doubt if that would justifiably describe my absence from the virtual world..Still,i was on a sabbatical..Just like i'm nocturnal,just like i'm a veggie,I'm a 24*7 online junkie..and my existence is so entwined with being online that a state of being aloof from net is vexatious..yet,i endured the pain of parting.. :D..reason,being a bit hilariously stigmatic,i stay reticent..

So i missed a hell lot of posts,which i'm trying trying n trying to patch up,still remains painfully long.. :D,so i apologize to some of my friends here if they missed my comments,just like akh,shibin,n srm felt fb was no fun without me :D..

When i'm back,i'm greeted with ZB tacitly avoiding me from the list of people he officially tags.. x-( ..hark!!But owing to the fact that i'm running out of topics to spit here,i shamelessly decide to take up the tag which is not fully unsolicited,since i'm mentioned somewhere in the footnote or nail-note,as a friend puts it..

Not that i'm a tag freak,.i guess ramya and amrit noticed my apologies firsthand,for i'd promised to take up their tags,and yet couldnt live upto my word..I would..insha allah! But this one was interesting,especially,with the help of one of the best inventions ever known to man,the Google..I'd always wondered how my life would have been without it..I'm and would always be grateful to Larry Page and Sergey Brin,the masterbrains..

Creativity is something which i'm devoid of..but ironically,this is a creativity test..
1. What is your name: Gayathri,undoubtedly..which some fools manipulate as GAY3 :P

2. A four Letter Word: Geek..despite being a consistent and comfortable back bencher,despite having struggled my bum off to cross the min internals in ac and de labs,Mr.Nice still pampers me with this word :D

3. A boy's Name: George (Clooney it is!!)..boy,i fall in love with him over n over again,everytime i hear Danny Ocean say,'I knew what i was doing'!

4. A girl's Name: Gandhari..the character i've truly admired and adored in mahabharata for her selflessness and sacrifice..

5. An occupation:Gynecologist,the one who we are all grateful to,for delivering us out safely..

6. A colour: Green,colour of prosperity.. shyam sundara kera kedara bhoomi..The colour of God's Own Country..

7. Something you wear: Gloves,it need not be necessarily a dress that u wear right..

8. A food: Garlic Bread..whoaa..i love garlic.. :D

9. Something found in the bathroom: Gel,hairgel i mean..if not mine,my bro's..yeah he's finally sassy..

10. A place: Germany,the land of Hitler!!

11. A reason for being late: Got up late would be my reply,whereas guests would be my mom's.. :D

12. Something you shout: Get lost and go to hell!..irreplaceable!!

13. A movie title: Good night and Good Luck..yeah,i love anything n everything of Clooney :D

14. Something you drink: Guinness..not me of course..

15. A musical group: Greenday,..i dislike that band though.. :|

16. An animal: Gorilla

17. A street name: Gandhi Nagar,2nd Street!! Mohanlal rocks!!

18. A type of car: Gallardo Cesam,Lamborghini

19. Something scary: Ghost!!!

20. Ice cream flavour: Guava Icecream..wiki answers,..i seriously have no ice cream savvy..

I'm done!!
Whichever poor innocent soul finds this tag interesting,may take it voluntarily..It would be more than welcome.. :D

Khuda Hafiz

Friday, July 24, 2009


It was utter blanch and disbelief apart from rage n fury,that was meted out to Ajmal kasab's brazen revelations and plea for guilty of charges on the 26/11.. What's the big deal about him revealing all those now, is something which i don't understand..He has been long accepted a convict with the adduced evidence more than enough for a layman,if not the court..Of course,the court has its own procedures,which i feel is shitty in this case becoz it's been about 8months since the catastrophe and the lone surviving culprit still enjoys the whiff of air..Indians,for sure,need to be proud of our tolerance and meticulousness in delivering justice to every human being.. But since it is 'Abalanam Balam Kshama', i fear if we are considered 'powerless' owing to its converse..

The fear is ratified when the racial attacks on Indians in Aus is taken into account,and is reinforced when the frisking of our ex-president at Delhi airport is pondered..I'm definitely of the opinion that every individual must be treated equally when human lives are at stake,and no VIP must be exempted from a security check..But the double standards of the western system deserves more than mere reproach..If they exempt Mr.Bush from a security check,then frisking of Kalam is nothing less than breach of diplomatic ties which needs to be dealt with strongly..But what was even more shameful was the reaction of some of our politicians,Yechuri's,if i need to quote one,who asked the govt to clarify if the frisking had something to do with his muslim identity!He must at least have given the past episodes a thought when George Fernandas and Somnath Chattergee had to undergo similar procedures..India is a secular nation and religious sentiments is one of the most fragile ones..When we are grappling with a state of affairs when many of the Indian muslims are replete with the feeling of insecurity in their homeland,such remarks would prove detrimental..People with public profile should at least be cautious of what they speak,if not act..

Speaking of detrimental and shameful speeches reminds me of Rita Bahuguna-Mayawati catfights..it was really stigmatic of these so called 'representatives of people' trying to gain mileage with filthy toungue on a rape victim's chagrin..And what was even more obnoxious is the aftermath when the congress almost extended full support to Ms.Bahuguna,and BSP allegedly reacted violently with an arson attack towards Ms.Bahuguna's residence..

Equally obtrusive is Mr.S.M.Krishna's statement on 'bargaining with the sovereignity of the state' ,in the context of the ENR trade with the US,which invited diatribes from every nook n corner..There has to be a minimum dignity of speech that must be maintained,especially when pertaining to matters of The State..

Speaking of dignity,i'm forced to mention Ms.Karat's remarks on the language of the CBI charge sheet against the accused,in the Sister Abahaya murder case,which has been an unsolved mystery for about 1.5 decades..She warns the CBI to mind the words,and maintain the minimum respect for a woman whosoever it be..I don't understand what kind of a 'respect' a woman,who was dangerously audacious to murder a nun, deserves..If it's the 'feminism' thats playing the tone of outrage,there are a plethora of more important matters to look into..

'..Who would have thought that there are people who think it is a sports body whose job is to organize the Commonwealth Games every few years! Or that it is headed by US President Barrack Obama(oh,the poor queen)!..
..Ignorance apparently runs deep with many Indians being under the impression that it is some sort of a UN outfit whose boss is Kofi Annan!'
Courtesy:The Hindu,24/07/09
I couldn't laugh more.. !!

PPS:50th Post!

Khuda Hafiz

Monday, July 20, 2009


"Chettaa,Be careful ok..eat properly ok..!!"
My ears had been honed to this monologue,every single day,by a lady,in a very seductive tone..So very seductive that the love and care literally overflows.. :P

To all those who aren't accustomed to,'chetta' is a word,used to address the husband, by his spouse,reflecting her reverence and love for him.. These days,not many do that though,which can be ratified by dhanya's post on the aftermath of her best cousin's marriage,in which the bride says,"Eat one more chappathi,daa"!!I was shell-shocked when i heard sanu,of all the people,calling her husband,who was 8yrs elder to her, a 'da'..Sanu in particular coz she was the one,the abider of male chauvinism if i were to opine,who used to advice me to restrain from expecting too much in a groom,to nod a yes to whichever tom dick n harry likes me..that was an exaggeration,but still,in her opinion,the girls have only a subtle say in the relationship,which is where i disagree vehemently..

To come back to the aforesaid 'mono'logue..it had been echoing in my ears these days so strongly that i've quite reached the apex of vexation.. Not that there's something at all wrong with that..but,when spoken by a lady,who toils hard the whole day to bring up her family,to a man,who is a 'velavatti' or 'dandasoru' in tamil,i.e the one who does nothing better than eat sleep n shit at the lady's expenses,is something really irritating to a person like me,who i don't think is very outlandish,who thinks respect is not for the post of 'husband'cy, but his intellect,or his care n protection which he exhibits in either kind or cash earned..The annoyance wouldn't have been this aggravated if he were just another of those harmless boneless bisexual husbands who chose to be jobless..But our hero is not the one,who is to be categorized into the like..He is The Man..who yearns and aches to have his royal testosterone looked upon with veneration,which in his idea,can be achieved only by bellowing! And to my surprise,she never retaliates to his pointless hollers..

I was even more surprised when i learnt that theirs was a love marriage,a rebellious one,which has not been acceptable to the Hero's family even after 25yrs of marriage..She's beautiful even at this age,which makes me awe at the thought of how she would have been 25yrs ago..And he's even shorter than her by 4-5cm,dark,and a not-very-handsome guy,if you find hideous an effusive term.. Everytime i see them together,i feel like comparing them to a powercut-generator duo by all means..
Another of those epitomes of blind love..

I wonder how he spends the whole day,eating his ass off and farting off every single bit of it..I've known of men who spend all those hard earned bucks for booze,.I've known of men who even abandon the family irresponsibly..But this had been a totally new experience..

PS:The family had been living for rent in our outhouse for the past 6yrs..With both of them highly educated with a 10th std 'degree',she works as a home-maid, which i request the readers not to read at par with a 'servant'..

Khuda Hafiz

Friday, July 17, 2009


I grew up in her music..
Hailing the DKP-DKJ duo..
Admiring the MLV-MSS-DKP women trinity..
Listening to her mellifluous songs..
She created history,being the first woman,who otherwise were forbade from giving a public concert..
She melted away the hurdles of being a Brahmin,who was not supposed to be trained in a gurukula..
She proved herself invincible in ragam-thanam-pallavi which was earlier men's forte,if not their bastion..
The prodigy in her,who was blessed profoundly by Him was too overwhelming to be suppressed..
The elegance in her delivery along with the unique timbre,and clear diction,surged her way into an irreplaceably prominent role in the world of Carnatic Music..It was owing to that singularity that Pkd Mani Iyer,who outrightly rejected accompanying a female on stage,was ready to play for her..
She bids adieu as a trailblazer,with her descendants taking up her path..
At this moment,i pay my tribute to the great soul..
May her soul Rest In Peace..

Khuda Hafiz

Thursday, July 16, 2009


You spoke a lot on me,based on my horoscope.How do you scientifically ratify all those statements and revelations?May be all you told were true in my case.But how does that happen?There is no experimental proof nor do we know the reason why a person born on a particular day behave in a peculiar way,which cannot be quite quintessential?

Astrology is a science.Do you ask for a scientific reasoning for a science?What's the scientific ratification for the laws in physics?They are simply the laws,the unquestionably established ones.

There are two kinds of sciences-tangible and intangible ones.

Physics is tangible.When you demonstrate Newton's laws,you can 'see' what is really happening.

In chemistry,you have physical as well as chemical studies.You learn about the various physical interactions between electrons and protons,using an electron-microscope.But we perceive the reaction between O2 and H2 to 'create' water.Water is tangible or visible.But the presence of O2 and H2 is 'felt'.

So is astrology.It's linked closely to astronomy which deals with the visibility of stars and planetary motion.Astrology deals with the ramifications of the particular position of the celestial bodies during one's birth.It's to be felt,just like you feel God.You don't see Him,but feel.
When you first start believing in The Providence,you feel His divine power.

In Gita,there's this classification on people as,Satwika,Rajassi,and Thamassi,based on the way of living.The excellently pious,honest and sincere Satwika,the not-so-good but not-bad Rajassi and the incorrigibly bad Thamassi.In every person there's this goodness and evilness residing,in either of those patent or latent stage,based on which you tag the man to be good or bad.How do you decide whether a man is good?From his words,from the behaviour,and the actions.You percieve that.Not necessarily see.So believe that there's this intangible goodness and evil on the earth.Without the evil,the integrity loses prominence.Accept that there are stuffs beyond our understanding.

Astrology requires that divine blessing.Not everyone can be a good astrologer.You need good intuitive power.Sometimes you feel your intuition serves right.But once you realize that it's the presence of the divinity inside you which gives you that far sight,your ego and pride sheds away and give way to a better understanding of the intricately weaved complexities of nature.

First start believing strongly in God,then have faith in the science abidingly.Attune yourself to it.If you ask me who's the master of Astro,its none but Him,who blessed the eminent seers,the sages,with the deep knowledge or gyana.

So what's this horoscope match about?I find people increasingly showing their backs to horoscopy these days.So whats the upper hand in the discourse on whether marriage is made on earth or in heaven?

Every horoscope is based on the motion of Sun and Jupiter.And written according to ganitha-shastram or vakya-shastram.. So an astrologer,first decides if a horoscope is valid or not, based on some yardsticks.Every horoscope has a rashi,or say a house.And how we arrive at a match is based on the compatibility between the houses and house owners,i.e rashi porutham and rashi adhipa-porutham.. We might even consult more than one astrologer dubious on the credentials resulting in contradictory verdicts leaving you baffled. When you bend the judgements for your favour with a compromising match,life becomes disastrous. Astro still holds good,it's the manipulations and misinterpretations that led you wrong.

PS:The interlocutor is a very reverential person,with immense knowledge on anything n everything ranging from music and astro to management and science,who happened to be the relative of this poor ignorant soul.I couldn't articulate stuffs half as good as he told,though i settled with an abstract.

PPS:The post has a lot of garbage,to fill the space,according to a friend..i would request the honorable souls reading the post to activate their filters :)

Khuda Hafiz

Friday, July 10, 2009


Long since i was born,i had been hearing a you-are-a-hopeless-decadent-piece-of-shit-not-worthy-of-being-an-iyer rants from my grandpa..Ok now,don't get me wrong..me and grandpa had been the best pals in my childhood,thanks to the endless hours of cards and carroms..But that doesn't exempt me from earning his disapproval..if u've been digging into my previous posts,it wouldn't be much difficult for you to conclude that i'm a sleepyhead myself..a nocturnal one i am..but i love sleeping when everyone's awake,and stay awake when everyone springs into slumber..zzz..and that's been the earliest of all the reasons to gain a hopeless image..
I wake up late,point no:1!..
And when i wake up late,i will still be sleepy,that i would bathe late,point no: 2!..
And when i don't bathe early,i wouldn't pray on time,point no:3!..
And on and on goes the intricacies of an intertwined vicious network..Alrite,not nasty..still,at one point of time,when i wasn't accustomed to dictionary i.e. when i was a kid,i had even asked a teacher at school if the word 'hopeless' meant something good,like,pretty/intelligent/sweet or something of the like..

So goes my plights of enduring the tag of an iyer..i enjoy that tag though..quite proud if u ask me..proud to be a veggie in particular..Now you may ask me what's there to be so proud of..but that feeling can't be quite articulated..the kind of feeling of self respect you have when you find amid a horde of drunk pals,you,totally sober..Self-respect!omg..am i the one speaking!! :O..

So what's it like to be an iyer..there are quite some quintessence you find in every iyer home..
And if you happen to be in kerala,especially if you are somehow linked to palakkad,it would definitely not be a tamil that your tongue would be,but a talayalam=talli+mallu..For a real time experience,'Nala damayanthi' or 'Micheal-madan-kamaraj' is prescribed..

#At any function that you attend,the guy you bump into,would somehow turn out to be your aunt's father-in-law's nephew's grandson or the like..everyone would seem related..which i guess is the reason why there's a lot of out-of-caste marriages in the community,.afteral,marriage inside the family is not very appreciable you see..

#Everytime you meet another Iyer/iyengar of the opposite sex, most pro'ly parents would be busy thinking, "what a cultured boy/girl...marriage potential?"!

#Learning carnatic music or bharatnatyam,being one of the mandatory stuffs!!yours truly has been 'trained' in classical music until she was eligible to vote..

#Mathssss and sanskrit were the only subjects whose marks my grandpa was interested in..as a result of which my sanskrit sir used to mock me a walking dictionary..

#Fridays..gaya3333,go and bath di..you have thengayennai(cocunut oil) and manjal(turmeric) in the bathroom..glorious day to get me dressed up in a litre of oil and paint myself yellow..

#♫kousalya supraja rama♫..=>>5.30am,.and dad nodding and humming an aaha...

#Thair sadam and oorga(curd rice and pickle)..to all those who is yet to have a taste of that scrumptious food,you are missing something ambrosial..

There are a lot more which i would obviously find it hard to put it in english,like the 'etcchal pannathae' dialogue you hear when you eat..

Sarcastic and all i sound..But,brahmin brains are regarded highly efficient world over..(and i'm still wondering which part of my brain went adultered!!)

Khuda Hafiz

Saturday, July 4, 2009


I'd been into this terrible state of voidness lately,when i'm least bothered about what's happening around or how people are..
But somehow i was nudged from my reclusive comfort by this incident..
There was this guy,an orthologist..Who lived in my vicinity..Who i never met..Who i never knew..Not until he died..or rather,until he decided to end his life..
I was shocked..so were many who stayed around..
It'd been a week since the incident,but i still find me lost in his thoughts..
If education was about bringing up a horde of socially and morally responsible individuals,has it been successful in its mission?
Suicide is a criminal offence in itself..
Moreover,the guy had a family,the wife n kids who depended on him..How could he have been so fragile and flippant as to abandon them..
May be i have not much experiences in life as to see how difficult life on earth is.. but is that this difficult as to end it abruptly without being least conscious of its ramifications or effects on others life?
I was frustrated..rather highly petulant..I'd always thought people of respectable social status would never do something this stupid..Pro'ly it took him a hell lot of courage to do something this grave..Still,couldn't he have fought that moment of hopelessness and stayed his family's bastion..

Khuda Hafiz

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Danke schön! Danke!

Ahem ahem..i'm so stuck up with words now.. although there are these words jolting their way down my fingers into the keyboard,i'd already had this word clot which seems hard to melt.. Mind is overwhelmed,but brain fails to express the joy effectively..I'd never done this in my life..all along,throughout my school and college life,for every prize i won,there was no adjoining speech..prize distribution was just about running into the dias and collecting the award from the princi and hence i honed my way into a thankless brat..

Thanks to ZB,i've been awarded by this guy who i admire a lot for his writing style,for the stuffs he puts up,for the wit in a self-degrading manner,for his responsiveness and broadness in encouraging each of his fellow bloggers by timely and zestful comments.. Thanks a lot man,..it does mean a lot..

Now,this is something i never did before,..this acknowledgement part.. when i read his award winning speech,i felt myself a thankless moron,who never made it a point to express her gratitude to people who regarded her while delivering an award..

I apologize for the delay and i thank Thousif, for he was the first one who gave me an award.."Making a difference".. it even made a friend change my name in his contacts from GAY3 to 'mbMAD',master blogger making a difference,albeit all he meant was to pull my legs.. i thank thousif not just for the award,but for all his comments..i'd desperately wished to see a comment in which he actually criticises with an acid tongue which has never happened till date..he always makes it a point to appreciate and encourage others sincerely..thanks a lot man..

I also thank our cute Ramya for her awards..she's been one heck of a writer herself inviting heaps of appreciations and admiration from the peers..

I don't know who to thank for the BOTDA..the guy who delivers it?in which case,i thank the stranger,Bill Austin,who on a fine day commented on a post saying i won BOTD,. :)

Unlike the earlier awards,this one is not an unconditional one!!! It has it's own rules and tag,which i must obviously abide by!So here it goes,
The tag Rules:
1. Link the person who tagged you.
2. Copy the image above, the rules and the questionnaire in this post.
3. Post this in one or all of your blogs.
4. Answer the four questions following these Rules.
5. Recruit at least seven (7) friends on your Blog Roll by sharing this with them. (Here i bend the rules,i tag only 4! :D)
6. Come back to BLoGGiSTa iNFo CoRNeR (PLEASE DO NOT CHANGE THIS LINK) at http://bloggistame.blogspot.com and leave the URL of your Post in order for you/your Blog to be added to the Master List.
7. Have Fun!

Questions & Your Answers:
1. The person who tagged you: ZB(I still don't know his real name,and i doubt if anyone in the blogsville knows that!!)
2. His/her site's title and url: Zillionbig
3. Date when you were tagged: 30th June 2009
4. Persons you tagged: Here,i go by ZB's yardsticks of giving away the award,i.e,based on the frequency and madness factor,i would like to tag,
1)Arun Philip(i really love this guy's posts,every one is goddamn too good and witty!!)
2)Thousif Raza
3)Durga(My dear Joe!)

Thanks again guys :)
(PS:when i say guys,it means both M and F,just in case someone has such a doubt!)

Khuda Hafiz

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Life (?)

I don't know if it was my joblessness or my boredom or the adieu to my friends that made me contemplate on it.. I don't think it was pathological.. Neither do i think it was out of a single reason.. May be they indicate the elimination of all the vestige of adolescence..(it's been 2yrs though!).. May be they indicate a new state of maturity in me..

Whatsoever it be,.i was terribly caught in the swirling thoughts..making me helpless to shudder and get out of the hurricane..brain cells tied hard to focus on none but a single topic..

What exactly is the meaning of a life?
Not that I'm the first one making an attempt on it..there had been a lot of people,who in search of it's gist,lived a life,.one, that was not worthy as they thought it would be..

What is the soul reason we live for?Knowledge?Career?Fame?Recognition?Money?Family?Sex?
And where do we end up..in a six foot grave?? Is all the fuss worth that? A lifetime of misery and fray,ego and false-pride?

We meet people,end up being friends or foe,some make our day,some break the heart,some stay with us in our onward journey,but ultimately we end up being on our own..we return with the same solitude as in the womb..

The movie 'The father of the bride' left me crying towards the climax..it was a happy ending,but on a serious note,i started wondering how my reaction would be on leaving my home to whichever-heaven it be..leaving my people,spending each night without seeing my parents,without scratching my kiddo-bro..but ultimately i gotto leave.. So why the heck did i have to be attached to them..to cry my ass off on a parting? Why on earth do we love people if one day we need to leave? Is life as simple as that?

Gita says,'Living should be about fulfilling your responsibilities with utmost integrity,yet without emotional attachment.Be that's a favor or a loathe,you give it irrespective of a kinship.. And when you do,you join the eternal soul.'
So are we bound to live a robot's life?Or is that the real life and ours a farce?

I'm confused! Terribly!!

Khuda Hafiz

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The pestiferous contagious Tag virus..

I was tagged by ZB last week..to enlist at least 10 of those stuffs thats annoying or crazy or at the most making me furious!! 10 would grossly be an understatement coz I'm a very short tempered person,not apparently though..now ppl,who have never seen me red-faced,dont gape at me,i'm one,but you need the royal blue blood to identify that..still,listing them out is a tedious job coz u take an insight about yourself,and redefine all your diminutive emotions to be articulated..

So let's not categorize the post into something abt craziness or fury,but random nuances..
Contemplating on what and how to write is something i hate..i hate that kind of planning in life..it's wonderful being impulsive,right from blog posts to romantic kisses..spontaneity adds to the zest for life..so without giving it much thought,i put up whatever comes first in mind,unlike how Thousif epitomized ladies to be spic and span about all those minute details that make them the veteran story tellers,in his post!May be that's what makes those guys,my friends,say im less girlish,or as FB says,0% girlish,..but 'a real woman feels feminine only with her man!'-Rage of angels..lol..i prefer real ones to the fake! :P

Getting back to dissecting the virus,
1)Liars.. I believe in Khaled Hosseini's words,'When you lie,you steal someone's right to truth'.. Bitter guard is a lot better than sweet poison.. All i need is the reason,not those cheesy toppings that manipulate,twist,and mutilate the truth..

2)It gets on my nerves when people say they had no time to reply or return a call.. They had time notice that the food was salty,but not the fone ringing indefinitely.. It's better to say straightly if you don't wanna talk rather than bluffing around..

3)Hypocrisy.. Gee,the most important of all my abhorring stuffs.. I love it when people say something straight on face.. A killer smile with a background bitching is what i would wanna find the least in people..

4)Judgments.. It's better when people don't put on the judge's attire and give away,'I never thought,'..,'How could you,.." comments,.. C'mon,don't confine people to a stereotype.. Everyone has a unique way of living..

5)MCPs!!!! damn,..i hate those p**s.. what on earth do they mean by saying men are superior to women? men and women are different physically,mentally and emotionally,..even the brains are hardwired differently..what's the point in a comparison even?

6)Thinking about my earliest of all embarrassments,i remember the day when i was five,.i was at the temple with grandpa when that doubt popped into my mind..'Thaatha,whats this kamasutra about?Is that some epic like Ramayana or Bharatha'??? I saw him sweating and looking around at people passing by,with a perplexed face.. My doubt was genuine in that,i was enlightened about all those hindu epics,even when i was a kid,..and this being an obscure one i found in some tv ad,which was not even mentioned at home,aroused my curiousity..Later i found him telling my dad about it and letting out a guffaw.. After some years,i identified what the ad was about!

7)Around the same time,i.e 5yrs,i had my aunt conceiving her second child.. It was when my pompous cousin boasted that her mom was gonna 'produce' a child that i understood what was inside the potbelly.. i felt like a loser to have nothing to retaliate,and my ignorance in biology took over,and found myself saying that my dad was gonna manufacture a kid at my home! I was indignified when she laughed,..but now it not only makes me lol,but i pity my dad,who then had perfect fitness,to have fallen prey for my stupidity..

8)Again,all my crazy stuffs are linked to obscenity,though not because of deliberation..
I was in 9th when Manikandan sir was teaching a sanskrit poem on a conversation between Yudhishtira and Droupadi.. The lady was highly glorified in the beat,as the most beautiful,intelligent,charming,blah blah lady,who was a pativrata,the detailed definition of the adjective following.. When sir elucidated the term pativrata to be,someone who held a single husband physically as well as mentally,i was jolted up without a second thought,.."Sir,how could you then possibly call her a pativrata when she has 5 husbands even physically!"..(not something to be asked in a class where all those teenage boys gape at u with the emotion-mix of kick and incredulity) The query was an innocent one from a non-perverted mind.. But it was late by the time i realized the gravity of my question,and found myself captioned by this comment.. But there's an inexplicable joy in being shameless to speak out what's in your mind..afterall we don't always need a filter or beeper in our mouth..

9)It was when i was in 12th that the power game between the two bio-teachers in the school started,.'A' being super cool and popular among us,and 'B' being a mundane schizophrinic dork.. When the fray was at the peak,'B' wanted to check up with her students if she was really palatable or not,and started approaching each of us individually for the survey of 'A' vs 'B'..When everyone acted against their will to appease 'B', i couldnt help saying upright that i love 'A'!!..the price i had to pay was to sit in all her remedial classes :(..penalty!! But yeah,i was proud that i had the balls to stand upto my conscience!

10)As i said in the beginning,it's hard to list them..i prefer paragraphs to points even in my answer papers..it's hard reminiscing and encapsulating the umpteen craziness that you did when you were a teen diva.. i had been a bit more mature girl at college,but school was my empire,to piss others and get pissed.. but this will do for the time being..

I'm not really interested in passing on the tag.. If so ever someone is interested,please don't hesitate volunteering.. :D

Khuda Hafiz