But, is it nothing to know when you are dying, when you are about to take leave of this world, of its joys and sorrows, when the past of your life is unfurled before you, when eternity opens wide its portals, is it nothing to know at that last awful,supreme moment of your lives, that you have not lived in vain, that you have lived for the benefit of others, that you have lived to help in the cause of your country's regeneration?

-Surendranath Banerjea

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

What next?

She was violent with fits..With all my fortitude,i asked Dr.Ravi to pay special attention to her..
It's been 18yrs..

It was my first day at college..The euphoria of standing under the limelight being the 1st ranker in state medical entrance added to the excitement of the long awaited medicos life was clearly visible in my face..I couldn't just be composed..

Long speeches on the nobility of medical profession,the ethics to be followed,the service to be rendered..It was the freshers addressing,by the principal..Speeches can be rapturously spellbinding as well as effing boring..this belonged to the latter..not coz he was speaking any bullshit..but becoz words were flowing not as a river but as a waterfall!! You capture attention when you speak from your heart,being pristine clear about what next to speak while at the same time put your point candid and succinct..

I was tired of yawning..and that was when she caught my glimpse..The tall one in red salwar with a long black hair beautifully braided..with a gleaming spotless face and a small bindi just between the perfectly curved brows..the long dark eyes and carefully carved nose..the slightly pinkish gluttonous lips..I was jolted out of my dream world when i realized it was no more the raspy harangue i was listening to but this girl's song..i couldn't fathom if her looks added grace marks to the voice,but it definitely was sweet..

That was Padma..Did i ever have a clue while ogling at her shamelessly that she was gonna be my classmate and labmate and one of my best friends in the next 5 yrs..
I couldn't take my eyes off her everytime she spoke to me nodding her head slightly..showing least of all nuances..Neither could i help admiring her..for the compassionate way of dealing with every tom dick and harry around..for the dexterity with which she spoke 6-7 languages..for the gracious dance performances..

Since when did we become friends is unknown..not that i took any undue interest out of the reverence for her..but somehow we ended up being in the same group in the 1st year..and later on ended up being in the same gang,fooling around as well studying the ass off together..
The 5yrs were the wondrous age of my life..the happiness and enjoyment is beyond articulation..I couldn't thank god more..

"Das,I need to talk to you.."

"Yeah sure.."

Our final exams were done with..And that was padma..with an unusual coy and preface..

"It's been 5.5yrs we had been knowing each other..Not that i claim to know you in and out..your past and future..but i feel i can keep you happy,and more,i cannot be happier if i'm yours..I love you with all your strength and weakness.."

This is what i call the irony of life..Ever since you identify the masculineness in you,the wish,the ache,the urge to have a love blossoms..And it is when you seriously have someone knocking at your door,that you understand that it was not love but a fling that you wished for..

"Listen padma,not that i have anything against you..not that i dislike you..But to me,my career is most important,at least at this point of time..Marrying at 23 may be feasible for a girl,not a guy..moreover an MBBS is not at all sufficient to be an established doctor..i have my aim and vision,and i cannot veer from it,and neither can i get distracted for another 5-6yrs..I know you would wait if i ask you to,till then..But i canot get committed or ask you to be expectant of my return to you..So i would request you forget this conversation,and we remain friends forever"

I'd pondered over my words over and over again the entire night..My state of mind,my actions in the past which could have been a wrong cue for her..I couldn't read anything from her face..As always she never gave away her mind in nuances..I didn't know when i slept off amid the flurry of thoughts..but only when i woke up to ravi's nudges at 4.30am that i knew i was long asleep..

"Man,padma OD'ed herself with insulin,propenelol and phenol barbitone.."

"What the fuck!! When? And where's she now??"

All i can remember now i seeing her in the ICU,and later comatose for a very long time..

Time passed by and public memory is very short..I wonder if anyone remembers her even..But can i forget her just like that??The one,whose life i sabotaged,if not intentionally though..

I'm married,happily of course..and I'm now an established cardiologist in the city..But does the brightness in my life succeed in overshadowing my dark past??I prayed for her life,when she was in the ICU..I prayed for her death when she was left half dead..Now she's alive..no more comatose..But in a more despicable pathetic condition of lunatic-ism..Can i sleep at least a wink without the prick of guilt and contrition before i die? Why would god be this cruel!!

Appendix: As far as i know,an overdose of insulin reduces blood sugar to precarious levels so that oxygen supply to brain is blocked and brain is rendered useless.. Phenol barbitone reduces blood pressure,an overdose is equally dangerous to hypertension.. Propenelol is sleeping pills.. So the combination of all the three is worse than cyanide..

PS: STORY

Khuda Hafiz
~Gayathri~

25 comments:

kavita said...

OH !!sad ending....your narration makes it very real.

HaRy!! said...

Real emotional and sad one! It kills knowing some one is in distress....i didnt know Insulin was so powerful..OMG! Yu studying medicine right? otherwise am nuts!

gkam said...

Very well written!

Following you... :)

Harini said...

Aww! A sad ending :(. You have narrated the whole thing so well.

Following you.

Sat_hi_sh said...

Wow ,it was like someone was narrating his life experience sitting beside me :O

Amazing writing skills yaar...
Cant even imagine the situation of RAVI if this had happened for real !!!!

Dhanya said...

You narrated everything so well. Tragic ending :(

Vignesh said...

hi

howz infosys.what a nice story.:)

Vyazz said...

Such an author stirs in you!!!.....looking forward to more of ur penmanship!!!! :)

sujata said...

your narration is so beautiful, just too eal and a sad

Thousif Raza said...

my god that was brilliant stuff, awesome and awesome is all i can say, gayu, you are a natural at this, damn yaar, nice and research work too, my god ji, you are brilliant, why am i sayiong that, woh toh tum pehlese hi thi ;), but really very good ya , i liked it a lot :)

and thx for wishing jasmine that was so very swt of you :)

take care and keep writing.....

ZB said...

wonderful writeup....morbid but nicely narrated...

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Neha said...

amazing narration gayathri...beautifully presented..

Amrit said...

I was wondering for sometime when I read this post. I rather find the opposite..what I mean is females comes up with such excuses like lets be friends..I dont want to commit..etc etc!!

A very nice narration...as I always say that words dance for you. :)

Sucharita Sarkar said...

tragic and scary! People with medical knowledge have easy access to death.

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we'll also have a feed fetcher which updates the recently updated blogs from among the listed blogs thus generating traffic to your recently posted entries.

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Gayathri said...

@Kavita :) thanks

@Hary No man,im an engineer!!!!

Gayathri said...

@Gkam welcome here :)..and thanks :)

@Harini thanks :)..for dropping by too..

Gayathri said...

@Satish thanks for that comment :)..liked it..

@Dhanya :)

Gayathri said...

@Vicky did u even read my post??? :P

@Vyaz coming from u,im honoured!!!!

Gayathri said...

@Sujata thank you dear :)

@Thousif oh my god..thanks a lot :)

Gayathri said...

@ZB thanks :)

@Neha thanks a lot :)

Gayathri said...

@Amrit girls dont come up with 'excuses'!! some times they are real reasons..as in its tough to fight with the family for a guy who is unsure when to come back..and when it's even more unsure if the guy would really come back to her!!

Gayathri said...

@Sucharita true..i'd written abt a doc who suicided,a real one!but he was more of a layman when it came to ending his life!!

Haddock said...

Thats something worth pondering