A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave-M.K.Gandhi
But, is it nothing to know when you are dying, when you are about to take leave of this world, of its joys and sorrows, when the past of your life is unfurled before you, when eternity opens wide its portals, is it nothing to know at that last awful,supreme moment of your lives, that you have not lived in vain, that you have lived for the benefit of others, that you have lived to help in the cause of your country's regeneration?
'He couldn't help turning back once again..surreptitiously though..
She was hot..different from what he ever imagined in his umpteen dreams where he crawled and lay entangled with some female.. The voluptuous body,and the pink sumptuous lips and the seductive eyes that glanced at him with a coy filled cue and the long artistic fingers with the beautifully crafted nails and the long slender neck and the short hair that heaved over her shoulders which fell more on the browner side unusually for a south-indian:he couldn't help himself from being aroused..
He had this unsuppressible urge to hold her,..kiss her..unbutton her shirt and lay naked with her..Everytime he looked at her,he went 20yrs down the memory lane when Mr.Athlete weds Ms.Damsel was all that he felt people talked about..Wherever he turned to,all he heard was a 'made for each other' remark..Unlike every other love marriages which sabotaged in a few years due to problems unidentifiable,theirs was the perfect combination of elements resulting in two other impeccable creed of compounds..
Deepak's was a happy family..as happy as it could be..with a wife,educated and austere,demanding reverence from who ever got to know of her..with the two sweet boys who always topped in school not just in acads but in extra curriculars,thanks to his wife's meticulous efforts..with a job giving him all kinds of satisfaction ranging from monetary benefits to the leisure factor,that he ever looked forward to during his days of pursuing a job..
Problems started when she started being repulsive at bed..Initially all he did was blame the work pressure..He pulled on,patiently,with hopes of a new sunrise..But all the more patient he was,more offensive she became..He even started doubting his manhood..doubting her fidelity..Until he got to know of the physical changes that she was undergoing..Menopause..the inevitable phenomenon in every woman's life..
Deprivation of a meal coupled with an offer of cake plunged him into the abyss of infidelity with his newly joined private secretary..He forced himself into oblivion,.of his wife..his children..his duties towards his family..all that appeared before him was his bodily pleasures which he no more could hold on..'
Bangalore shows me new ways of life that im unaccustomed to..of infidelity..of flings..one night stands..of fragile human relationships..Aren't we losing the values and traditions that we long upheld??Reminds me of Life in Metro,in dino..
I had a colleague narrate to me an incident which happened here..a group of friends,gals and guys,who were close enough to be found always together,..be at work place or parties or hang outs or treks..among them,a guy who escapes from bachelorhood invites others for a party at his home,which was a 1bhk..A booze party which left not even a single person even remotely close to sober..The couple sleep in their bedroom and everyone else in their gang in the hall..
Partying remains the mantra of their life for the next 3 months..together they were,as always..friends forever they called themselves..Until,one girl,a spinster,in the group had a morning sickness and ended up in a doctor's bed only to be diagonosed as pregnant..None of the guys know who is responsible,and neither does the girl..Alcohol just stirred every goddamn emotions out of every one there and now all of the so called forever friends are awaiting for the child to be delievered for a DNA test to finalize which guy will have his wedding bells ringing with the girl..
I woke up the third time from the sleep which was already broken..I was not initially sleepy despite the clock ticking 1am..Lost in the thoughts,which veered from rejuvenating to tiring ones,eyes felt heavy and at some point in time,unknown yet,i slept..
I had weird dreams..
I was lost in a desert..With no one to talk..no one to help me out either.. I was on my my own,totally..Wherever i turned to there was nothing but the hot grit and gravel..I shouted..I ran..endlessly..until i could pull on no more..
I panted..searching for the bottle of water i thought i had kept by my bed..But no,it wasn't there..I strolled across all the rooms in the flat aimlessly and returned back to bed..
Slumber showered its blessings upon me again..
And this time what i had to endure was a train of advices..Ever since i landed in bangalore,i'd been constantly under the fears of,1)wrong place to live, 2)to board an auto 3)expenditure exceeding the income.. All the more stinchy i tried to be,i ended up spending more profligately..All my belongings,which lay astray in my room reminded me of my expenses in the past..Not that i belonged to the league of that 'spoilt kid' which bible stated..but bangalore makes me spend..either out of necessities or out of uncontrollable whims..
This time i didn't jump out of the bed..Bearable stuffs you see..All i did was stay awake,for the fear of drowning in another dream..
Somewhere along,i slept again..
And yet,i was awake..awake in the thoughts..
Was that a tremor that i felt??I tried to concentrate..No,it was not..It was my mobile sincerely informing me of the endless stream of messages..I could hang on not any more..
I closed my eyes tight..and got out of the bed..walked like a kid with the help of the walls and switch boards which showed me the way..and finally i reached where i had to..
I switched on the light.. rubbed my eyes..and let myself dissolve in His glory..The innocent smile..The radiance..The fruits and coins and gold exhibited..(flowers were not available)!..And
Yes,it was vishu..The first vishu away from home..Without those 'kaineetams' and familial visits..Simple yet humble..we celebrated it as best as we could..
PS:I'm constantly under this doubt of who to follow..my instincts and what my mind says is right,or what others,the formless,speechless society set forth..I prefer the former..and till date,had abided by what my mind asked me to..but the pressure that the people who i love,who love me equally,put upon me,keeping the social status at stake disgusts me,depresses me..
PPS:I especially want the moron Durga to reply!!!!
I complete a semester of successful career in software industry..
An advice that every tom dick and harry gave generously was never to stick to this field..
Do an MBA,someone says..
When are you getting married,someone else asks..
Start teaching in a college,another someone suggests..
Write PO tests for the banks,none other than my banker dad instructs..
Right since oct 5th did i start wondering what was so very wrong with this job that every single person i meet suggests me otherwise..Did it not pay handsomely..Did it not give job satisfaction..Reverential status..
All along the roller coaster training that lasted 6 months,which witnessed my terrible ups and downs like never before,i scratched my head trying to find reasons to prove that this was not a place worth showing just the backs to..
But by the time i finished the training to start the real work,divine intervention got into the play to make me understand that,software industry was like a shit-pit..no one likes it..but no one can do without it..
Not much of a clairvoyance is required to identify a software guy in the crowd,for mostly in cities like Bangalore,therez a probability that 70% of the people u bump into will be a s/w pro among which,a mallu is 90% probable to bump into another mallu ..a guy walking with a headset constantly in action and doesn't mind ignoring the balance from a street vendor would mostly zero to a s/w pro..
The salary account,that gets refilled by the end of every month,blinds you from getting out of the pit..and you toil,day in and day out,as if you would be awarded a khel ratna at the end of it,thus sacrificing whatever whims and fancies used to adorn your life and fill it with substance.. You keep murmuring to yourself the words of consolence and solace to pull on,saying it's how the flow of life is..But not until you are really crushed out of juice do you realize that it is the coffee that matters and not the make of the mug..
PS:Month end definitely does make me happy.. and I'm till date not that very frustrated about where i'm coz the kind of friends that i made during the training and the fun i had with them were not the least comparable with the 22 years of experience i had on the globe..Kudos to all of them..
PPS:I wanted to restart blogging..Thought for a while..Thought for a longer while..About what to write..or at least what to crib..But that was when i understood that i had to revisit the kinder garten to restart writing the craps again..Reminded me of Nikolai Gogol,the Russian writer,who starved himself to death on finding that he was into a perpetual writer's block from which he had no escape(Though he would suicide a second time on finding that i dared comparing him with me!!! :D)..And hence the crap!!