But, is it nothing to know when you are dying, when you are about to take leave of this world, of its joys and sorrows, when the past of your life is unfurled before you, when eternity opens wide its portals, is it nothing to know at that last awful,supreme moment of your lives, that you have not lived in vain, that you have lived for the benefit of others, that you have lived to help in the cause of your country's regeneration?

-Surendranath Banerjea

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

A dip into diaries..

28 April 2008
I'm the happiest man today..i keep wondering if god has ever been so profligate in blessing me..3yrs back,if i were to say,i would have called myself the most pathetic being i ever knew..Not that i was that pathetic in real,but when compared to the ecstasy i'm in today,i was pitiable and lonesome..

With immense gratitude,i would for sure,acknowledge that i always had a smooth life..loving parents and caring friends..a promising job that paid me handsomely..But in spite of all that i had a voidness within which nothing or no one could fill.. I was happy outwardly,but somewhere deep inside,i was in search of something,which was then a wild goose chase..I felt none of those friends or family would suffice to make me happy..my prudent self asked me to be satiated when my emotional self did not relent..

I still remember the day i met priya..like a cool breeze on a dry sultry day..
Aeyy...i'm being cheesy..which i choose not to be.. :D
She was not the 'yet another beautiful customer service executive with a sweet voice'..She infused a difference right since i met her..Her indifference intrigued me..She was an enigma..But the more she pushed me away,the more i felt closer..I increasingly felt that this was the one i was searching for..

I transformed into one of those dreamy romantic heroes,lost in the thoughts of his heartthrob..the image i so well despised ever since..I found myself cooking up excuses and complaints to dash into her office..I wanted to look into her eyes,the deep ones which conveyed a message which i couldn't decipher..I wanted to hold her tight and say aloud that,this is my girl..the feeling was ecstatic..yet overwhelming..

Asking her out was my mistake..or so it turned out..for it broke my heart,at least for a while..only to transform into a new realm later..Her denial was meted out to me with a shock..i was certain that she was the one..staunch believer of the Almighty i'm,and my intuitions have always served me right..But i couldn't understand why i was rejected..

Perseverence had never been my forte..but with her,everything was the first..
God is great..He has always been..
My absence was gripping her tight,just as hers was to me..And in a week's time,i had this glorified visitor at my reception desk,with sunken red eyes..I felt the wind flowing in my direction..But not favourable altogether,for again i committed the mistake of proposing her..

She was the one..My mind ascertained..for inside the hard periphery,i knew,there was a vulnerable kid,trying to veil inside the shroud of mystery..

We became friends..getting closer everytime we met..She opened up with me the way she did with no one else..for wary she was of everyone..Every single man reminded her of her dad,the ruthless man who abandoned his family in her childhood..the dire jeopardy out of the treachery was more than hysterical..To her men were deception personified..some ruthless..some chivalrous..but deception was not something to be sifted from their blood..trust was not something to be associated with them..beau and beast were more than mere synonyms.. Every single man meant the same to her..reminding her of the person she despised being born to..abandoning her mom,making her life nothing better than a shit pit.. Determined she was,not to repeat her mom's mistake,of being naive to give her life and soul to the undeserving.. Wary she was,to get associated with the other half of the mankind..

Love has this power..of infusing even into the strongest hearts..
We were meant to be one..
Nothing could disentangle us anymore..
If she was to be transferred to Bangalore,I was destined to pursue higher studies in the same city..God is great,so has He always been..

There's no more any barricades between us..not anything physical,nor emotional..She is my other half today,the one without which my life would be grossly incomplete..and now,when i'm into journalism,the career i so well have been passionate about,with her beside,i have no words to hail Him..for God is great,so has He always been..


28 April 2009
Now mom is gone too..I'm dubious if its sadness that's engulfing me.. Because,death is no more something i fear..Last one year was like a roller coaster to me..as if i were caught in a hurricane..And it was the darkest age in my 24years on the globe..

A year back,i was the happiest one in the world..Love was pouring into me with compounded interests..it was as if God was paying me the compensations for my 22yrs of pitiable life..World started seeming to be a wonderful place altogether..and every human being appeared to me loving and caring and genuine..I never knew being in the aura of a person you love could infuse a totally different perspective in you..With arun,everything was different..everything was better..

Life is an arena,where there's this survival of the fittest ringing sharp..In a competition between me and death,as always,i was the underdog..She snatched arun from me..Without him,my life was an empty hole..Without him i was in an empty pit..With him She snatched every euphoria i ever had in my life..Life started seeming different altogether..the days of vulnerability and hurt recurring..It was as if those wonderful days and Arun were part of a dream,out of which i woke up,to find myself in the same pitiable lonesome condition..

I could no longer take in any more grief..Reality was hard..and i was too comfortable being unrealistic..If not in life,i wanted to embrace him in death..A blade costed less than 10bucks,which i could afford easily..A tick on wrist and dripping blood was all i wished,for if not in life,i wanted to embrace him in death..But life is not always the way you want it to be..Men are not always the masters of their fate,and i wonder what made Shakespeare say they were then..

I loathed every effort of my neighbors to salvage me..When i wanted to live,death did not let me live with the one..When i wanted to die,life did not let me die.. But no more was he the mortal soul in my life,i could shudder off and move on..he was my other half..my life and soul was blended perfectly with his..And a sheer victory of death over me in the chase wouldn't ever separate me from him..For i still live in his aura..No more was i to be the squeamish flimsy girl..I had a purpose in life to fulfil.. I had parents to look after,not just mine,but his..I had his passion to take up..

Now that when mom is gone,i feel jealous..for she meets him up earlier than i would..
But i have parents to look after..They lost their son,only to have me as their daughter..
I have a career to pursue..for Journalism had been his passion,which he left for me to take up..
I have him,to live with..For it's not just his life,but his soul that's interweaved with mine..
May be i sound a schizophrenic..May be i sound silly..But never had i felt myself so sober before..Never have i found myself a purpose in life..


This is my version of the story for ZB's plot for short story competition..

Khuda Hafiz


ZB said...

hey, it was really good. This was a different take on the story and i liked the poetics...Good one. :)

Thousif Raza said...

very very nicely put ya, really nice,very different from the stuff i have read...... great attempt

and i too updated the blog, cya there soon :)

take care and keep writing........

Aparna said...

Very different from what i have been reading and was quite impressed.
Good work.

HaRy!! said...

hmm must be my illusion as i just read a different angle story from my blog pal Benny - http://itismyworldhere.blogspot.com/2009/09/unspoken-words-of-love.html

His story was good as well, but in a different way! ...nice post...especially the Arun part was real swell!..keep writin:) tak care

H a R y

Benny said...

hey superb post.I liked the way u used the plot given by ZB.Was so touching reading Priya's part! Arun's part was good too..U have used the perfect words,which evoked the perfect emotions! gud effort!Unfair comparing urs with mine!!! U r far ahead! cheers :) Keep writing ya:)

Neha said...

hey gayathri, loved this one...best so far I must say...my personal opinion, I for a moment thought I was reading ZB's post...and for me, he is one of the best writers...so simply loved this one...fantabulous..:)

sujata said...

Sorry for not visiting earlier, did not want to before i finished mine..so now here I am..and am really surprised that you said you are J of my post. This is a very nice take and am really impressed. Way to girl!!

Sucharita Sarkar said...

That was good - it all seemed so REAL!!!

rameez said...


workhard said...

Very nicely written...

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kavita said...

Gayathri.hi.I just read your version and i must say i am very impressed...you guys have etched Priya AND Arun in our minds forever.

kavita said...
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kavita said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sat_hi_sh said...

u surely have some exceptional writing skills & a strong vocab knowledge pa :O

btw u put ur story across very well :)

hey checkout my new post & leave ur comments :)

keep blogging :)

Gayathri said...

@ZB Thanks,:)..and thanks for the exercise too :)

@Thousif Thanks :)

Gayathri said...

@Aparna,i'm honoured.. :) thanks :)

@Hary,yeah i did read his post..was too good..
and thanks yaar :)

Gayathri said...

@Benny too much humility is not good for health mate.. yours was very good :)
Thanks :)

@Neha,thanks a lot dear..for the comments as well as for dropping by :)

Gayathri said...

@Sujata,hehe..u ask me not to be J!!cool..may be we were both with diff ways of putting it..
thanks :)

@Sucharita,thanks a lot :)

Gayathri said...

@Sujata,hehe..u ask me not to be J!!cool..may be we were both with diff ways of putting it..
thanks :)

@Sucharita,thanks a lot :)

Gayathri said...

@Rameez thanks :)

@Workhard,thanks :)

Gayathri said...

@Kavita,thanks :)

@Satish thanks :)

Anonymous said...

Hey! Nicely written. Very poetic indeed. Keep writing......