But, is it nothing to know when you are dying, when you are about to take leave of this world, of its joys and sorrows, when the past of your life is unfurled before you, when eternity opens wide its portals, is it nothing to know at that last awful,supreme moment of your lives, that you have not lived in vain, that you have lived for the benefit of others, that you have lived to help in the cause of your country's regeneration?

-Surendranath Banerjea

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Give.. You get more..

The test turned negative today too..
I'm fed up.. Fed up of everything..my career,family,friends,life..Everything seems so grey and monotonous..as a portrait made in prosaic colors..

The life,which i once was thankful to god for,now seems to be ridiculous..as if living has become totally absurd and worthless..as if there's nothing to surge me ahead,..as if there's no purpose for my existence..

Never had i found my bosoms aching so much to hold her tight..feed her..feel the divine pleasure of motherhood..
Never had i been so desperately wanting to watch her grow..listen to those murmurs and whimpers..hold her tiny arms making her walk..
Never had i been so desperate to kindle the joy of learning and playing in her..To savor her transformation from a chubby chweetie infant to the cute little kid to the pretty girl to the mature woman in the bridal suite..

I remember those numerous times i asked my mom about the pain of pregnancy and the reason why she endured them all to bring me out and later bring me up..those umpteen sleepless nights of hers,when my unreasonable sobs and whimpers woke her up..the kind of pleasure she found in my stupid jokes and berates during school and college days..the patient way by which she taught me in my initial years..the enthusiasm with which she infused all those religious values in me..And i all the more remember those days when i asked her why she did all those,paining herself..

But now i understand..the depth of her pleasure..which makes me a desperate freak..
The realization that I can't gift my man his progeny is sickening..making me constrict into an atom..And the disappointment which is all i had for my loving parents and in-laws fork to more than self-chastisement..
The education,career,money..The friends and family..All that i considered most important till date now seems to be nothing more than a sheer glimmer..

My prayers..The infinite medical treatments..nothing seems to come for aide..Unexplained infertility they call it..what is that supposed to mean??Does it keep at least a window open,if not a door???

My eyes no more glints the love for him,for i'm rendered incapable to look into his..The feeling of having failed him miserably rankles..The feeling of being an infertile land to sow the seeds makes me degrade myself into nothing better than a piece of shit..

Is there gonna be a new day??


We named her Nanditha..
The one who infused new meanings to our life..
Who changed our life from the prosaic portrait to a colorful postcard..
Who took our world into new realms..

I'm grateful to St.Mary's convent to help us bring this little angel to fill our empty hole with light and substance..darkness i was in,with the notion that a child can be mine,only if i were the one giving birth..children are like flowers in the garden..seeds don't matter..land doesn't matter..they are always beautiful,filling happiness in every spectator..

PS:Although the post is a mere imagination,i dedicate it to the lady i met during my visit to mumbai,in my relatives' circle..The one,who despite having been very highly educated and royally employed,adopted a girl child to fill the void in her life..My ovation to Priya :)

Khuda Hafiz


ZB said...

beautiful. very insightful. Your level of maturity seems to be evolving. waiting to read more such pieces. :)

JS said...

straight from the shoulder,now am starting to get a lil envious of ur flair for writing.
n the labor pains...thank goodness only women need to endure those :@

Rahil said...

Similar kinda things happenin here...and god bless priya with lots of happiness..!! Rarely we see such people..

AnjuGandhi said...

very emotional
for second i thought your are expressing your own.
hats off the lady who chose to bring back the life in an orphan child
apno ko to sab pyaar karte hai, parye ko apna bana kar rakhne ki liye bahut bade dil ki aur himmat ki jarurat hai
all the blessings to her

scarlet pimpernel said...

nice blog first time here
my girlfriends name is nanditha

raMmY said...

Hats off!! to you for writing such a touching story and to the woman who has taken such a courageous step.

Great narration. Detailed yet gripping. Pacey yet touching. Just how it should be . Appealing and thoughtful :)

I give it the courage of the woman you've mentioned. You can cry and crib about the cold hand life has given you, but it takes a great deal of courage, a great understanding spouse, cooperating in-laws and family for such a wish to be realized. Glad she could do it :)

Hope the lil one grows up give them countless happiness :)


raMmY said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Aparna said...

Very beautiful.
I had written a similar piece few months ago on my cousin who decided to adopt a girl child after 15 years of trying to have a baby of her own.
Motherhood is all about raising a child and not giving birth.

Dhanya said...

I really really LOVED this story of yours. So well written. :) Keep up the good work, Gayathri..

Chriz said...

wonderful.. my friends have adopted too :)

sujata said...

That was great! Loved the deapth with which you wrote, you are very deep for your age.lots of love kid!

Anonymous said...

Its very beautiful. It is sad when you have these fertility problems. You could bring out the sentiments of a woman so beautifully! Yes, you are mature! Kudos to you, and kudos to Priya!
This isone reason why I like Sushmita, she adopted a daughter :D

kavita said...

Very real....just like my story ..as we were ready to apply for adoption my test came out positive...later after the birth of my daughter went back to the orphanage but were denied because there were many childless couple waiting....beautiful writing .

HaRy!! said...

simply awesome post.... big time respect for those who adopt!! it takes more than just the family!!

Amrit said...

Wow. This post really touched me. You are one amazing blogger and of course an amazing person.

I am in favor of child adoption. What could be better than providing a meaning to someones life.

The abstract scientist said...

Yes, adoption is difficult, it may sound very easy but to bring in a progeny that is not yours and tune it to your life is an arduous task.

gkam said...

"Who changed our life from the prosaic portrait to a colorful postcard.."

well written. I could feel the pain, having not experienced it yet.

Thousif Raza said...

you are just getting better and better at this stuff really nice ya, and i heard you met ramya plz share the experience ok :)

take care and keep writing.....