Give.. You get more..

The test turned negative today too..
I'm fed up.. Fed up of everything..my career,family,friends,life..Everything seems so grey and monotonous..as a portrait made in prosaic colors..

The life,which i once was thankful to god for,now seems to be ridiculous..as if living has become totally absurd and worthless..as if there's nothing to surge me ahead,..as if there's no purpose for my existence..

Never had i found my bosoms aching so much to hold her tight..feed her..feel the divine pleasure of motherhood..
Never had i been so desperately wanting to watch her grow..listen to those murmurs and whimpers..hold her tiny arms making her walk..
Never had i been so desperate to kindle the joy of learning and playing in her..To savor her transformation from a chubby chweetie infant to the cute little kid to the pretty girl to the mature woman in the bridal suite..

I remember those numerous times i asked my mom about the pain of pregnancy and the reason why she endured them all to bring me out and later bring me up..those umpteen sleepless nights of hers,when my unreasonable sobs and whimpers woke her up..the kind of pleasure she found in my stupid jokes and berates during school and college days..the patient way by which she taught me in my initial years..the enthusiasm with which she infused all those religious values in me..And i all the more remember those days when i asked her why she did all those,paining herself..

But now i understand..the depth of her pleasure..which makes me a desperate freak..
The realization that I can't gift my man his progeny is sickening..making me constrict into an atom..And the disappointment which is all i had for my loving parents and in-laws fork to more than self-chastisement..
The education,career,money..The friends and family..All that i considered most important till date now seems to be nothing more than a sheer glimmer..

My prayers..The infinite medical treatments..nothing seems to come for aide..Unexplained infertility they call it..what is that supposed to mean??Does it keep at least a window open,if not a door???

My eyes no more glints the love for him,for i'm rendered incapable to look into his..The feeling of having failed him miserably rankles..The feeling of being an infertile land to sow the seeds makes me degrade myself into nothing better than a piece of shit..

Is there gonna be a new day??

**3Months**

We named her Nanditha..
The one who infused new meanings to our life..
Who changed our life from the prosaic portrait to a colorful postcard..
Who took our world into new realms..

I'm grateful to St.Mary's convent to help us bring this little angel to fill our empty hole with light and substance..darkness i was in,with the notion that a child can be mine,only if i were the one giving birth..children are like flowers in the garden..seeds don't matter..land doesn't matter..they are always beautiful,filling happiness in every spectator..



PS:Although the post is a mere imagination,i dedicate it to the lady i met during my visit to mumbai,in my relatives' circle..The one,who despite having been very highly educated and royally employed,adopted a girl child to fill the void in her life..My ovation to Priya :)

Khuda Hafiz
~Gayathri~