But, is it nothing to know when you are dying, when you are about to take leave of this world, of its joys and sorrows, when the past of your life is unfurled before you, when eternity opens wide its portals, is it nothing to know at that last awful,supreme moment of your lives, that you have not lived in vain, that you have lived for the benefit of others, that you have lived to help in the cause of your country's regeneration?

-Surendranath Banerjea

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


I was in search of a textbook and was goosing around the library for about half an hour and at last i found a fresh copy of the stuff.."A thing of beauty is a joy forever",Keats,..i apologise for the flaws in recalling his words.. Still,beauty of the books is always my weakness..i love books that are neat and fresh,..less tampered.. So obviously i went to pick the book,..gosh!the cupboard was locked..I was confused,for thats not the usual practice in the library.. On enquiry,i understood that it was the book bank or in other words,the bunch of fresh,important and 'rarely available' ones,reserved for the reserved category or the so called people who needs a plethora of upliftment to get into the main stream!..And hence they are locked to keep 'em away from the vulturous seizure by the unreserved guys who dodged the occupancy of the mainstream..!I was naturally frustrated..rather petulant,.for that was not something which i could change.. I, like many others, am bound to adapt to the situation and be at the compromising end till i'm buried.. God knows if my burial  ground will also be subject to reservation!

In the present state of affairs,i loathe Mr.B.R.Ambedkar,coz but for him,there wouldn't have been a room for reservation in the Indian constitution..I should be a bit more sensible right?I apologise again.!

Well,1950=!2008..and everyone do know that.. India has striven hard to attain this global status of an upcoming world power..and it did cost a lot of painstaking efforts by the umpteen no: of valuable Indian Brains..1946-47 is the most unforgettable period in Indian History.. Firstly becoz,it was a period when we realised the long awaited poorna swaraj.. Secondly becoz,we witnessed the worst of all communal riots that the country has ever had,and which resulted in utter chaos,bedlam and obliteration everywhere.. Partition did solve the problems for a while and there was peace and tranquility.. and we were set to become a Republic.. 

To develop into a self reliant nation from the ruins of a 200year old foreign occupation was never a task to be belittled..The vast majority of the population was utterly illiterate..and caste system prevailed in every nook and corners of the society..Thus to educate and yank to the mainstream the people who were subjugated by the upper class who were then powerful financially as well as schooling,reservation was inevitable.. When the trampled lower castes were unaware of the importance of education,they had to be dragged forcibly by reserving a fixed no: of seats.. Past is past,and we have labored a long way to success..

We are about to celeberate our 58th anniversary of being a republic in less than 2 months,and what exactly have we achieved?Democracy is a system where people are all treated equally irrespective of caste creed sex and race..Secularism is a set up where people are all given equal regard and respect irrescpective of the faith they practice.. How long have we achieved these goals on which our very constitution is framed?

India developed a lot in the 58yrs..and so did the then under developed scheduled castes and tribes..None of us would ever forget our ex-President,Late Sri.K.R.Narayanan,who belongs to a scheduled caste..We find them in the zenith of every stream in our day to day life.. We see them in the form of doctors,engineers,bureaucrats,politicians,bankers,enterpreneurs,and what not..In these 58yrs,although there were a lot of amendments in the constitution,all that was done about the reservation was an aggravation but not an alleviation of the already profuse one.. We still come across discussions to increase the reservation level and introduce them in the paramount institutions like AIIMS,IIT,IIM,...It is true that there is still a section of the society that is left untouched in this development spree.. But we've crossed the stage where reservation would do any good to them.. There are a lot of tribal people in the suburbs of various states who are aware of neither their right to the reserved seats,nor the importance of being enlightened..The tribal communities in the north eastern provinces are still totally neglected.. All that reservation does is to transform these guys from being backward illiterates to backward literates.. Their morale and calibre(if at all they have) is hence totally destroyed.. Who would prefer to go to a doctor,to risk one's life, who's educated and employed out of reservation?

Reservation is no more a stuff to be introduced in higher education or employment strata,but as a means to provide access to better schooling and hence a strong foundation to literacy.. Entry to colleges must be strictly based on merit,compromising which would imply compromising the quality of indian education.. and if at all promotion of education among the SCs is intended,it has to be through providing financial aids to the poor but merited students.. Now you may ask how does a child of assam or mizoram get access to international schooling and compete with the affluent lot..That's not a snag solvable in a short term.. We need to enhance the education program,introduce new schools at the backward 'areas'.. We can't show our backs to one section of the society and abandon them in our journey.. When we develop,we've the moral responsibility to see that our fellow men develop too..We can never develop as a whole without checking every section of the society take part in it..

We had a time when the harijans were not even allowed to face a brahmin.. Then we had a time,when they were just not allowed into temples.. Then we had a time when they were not granted rights to own a property.. Again,change is the only thing that doesnt change and hence all these changed.. We have arrived at a stage when no one asks you what caste you belong to.. Life is moving at an ever fast pace now and anyone has hardly anytime or concern to stop to ask what was the occupation of one's ancestors..When society comes forward to accept a progressive change,it is the moral responsibility of the state to ensure that there is no more any sorts of discrimination(positive or negative) based on caste or creed.. Faith must be a personal affair and not a yardstick for political mileage..

Recently we witnessed a phenomenal event in the History of America,and that was nothing but the spectacular victory of Barrack Obama,who thereon becomes the first afro-american president of the US.. It depicted the changing perspective of the young generation of not just the US but the globe as a whole.. When a community which was once the slave of the white men,finds their sport fit enough to rule the world,why not we accept a similar change here as well and consider everyone as equals.. Afterall,the goal of complete secularism can be achieved only if there's equality without minority appeasement in a society..

Wishing desperately for a 'reservationless' nation..

Khuda Hafiz


Tuesday, December 9, 2008


We were up for the betrothal of our friend's brother..

It was a pleasent surprise when Surya suddenly rang me up a day to say i should show up for her bro's engagement the next day..

Usually i hate going for wedding functions..there would always be a flurry of activities going on,ladies moving around as mobile jewellery shops,men having forty winks or boring politics..the bride and groom on the dias as stuffs in the mueseum waiting for the guests to wish them..people at the reception desk ostensibly too eager to host us..

So when Surya called me,my instinctual answer was a 'I'll try' or a euphemism for 'sorry,i wouldnt be coming'..But for some reasons,i fought the urge and said,ok,i'll come..

I rang up aswathy,and all she said was,yaar we'll go.. late in the evening joe and anu called too,just to confirm we all go for that.. 

Well..it was not the betrothal or wedding that did matter us..but we just needed a reason to meet up.. and right from the dawn,phone calls were swarming in,planning and replanning what all to do that day,were to meet up,what else to be done..

Achu came to my home by 11..chandeliers dangling from her ears..lol..Dont scratch your head,but i've the right to mock her for there was none on my ears.."Man,you not ready yet?anu is gonna kick my ass..i've told to wait for us at 11.15"..rofl..reaching the town by 11.15..never..We thought it was better to ring her up.. "Anu,we will be a bit(?) late..well..may be some 10min.."..lol...we wouldn't even reach the close proximity in 10min,nevertheless,it was a good bait..Joe was late too..probably the earliest(!)huh!

Anyhow,we all reached the auditorium on time..prolly before time for not even the groom was ready..

We all rested our ass on the last row for we didnt actually turn up to see someone exchanging ring with someone but to goose around.. 

Memories started gusting in..12th std..man,i never knew school was this awesome until i got out of it..i never knew friends meant so much to me until i had to part with them..

In less than 10min Joe came up with Arjun and Arun.. and Antony and Jinto followed them..Among all these fellas,antony was the only one who was not seen for the past 3 yrs for he became an overseas sport who grew up into a hunk from a thin lean skeleton!

Lunch time you see..well,frankly enough everyone turned up only becoz there was a free buffet arranged!.. But no one did grow up to the expected standards..

Anu and i went to wash with antony..well,we actually followed him..there was no where a wash seen,and then we understood it was a toilet cum wash.. we forked out the way opposite his and was aghast to see a male symbol on the toilet door.. lol..i's not exactly lol but lmao..man,he actually entered a ladies toilet..rofl..he just turned around to see what was happening and suddenly bashed out..you gotto see his face..lol

We finished up our food and thought we would hang out somewhere and Joe suggested the Nehru Park..Not something like a Lal Bagh but the kind of a place where small kids play.. And the boys were close to kicking us for the great choice..Film was the next choice and so every one suggested 20-20..well,we didnt get a ticket for that!and the next option,KV!.."Man,today is sunday and all you would see is the school watchman snoring!"..someone hollered.

And at last we left for the vilangan hills which is a so called tourist spot(!) near our school.. The 2 hours we spent together was incredible i should say..one of the best of all days i had in recent past..the chit chats and schmoozes..teasing,joking,laughing,pulling each other's legs,..God!I really miss my school a lot..

School days are the golden times in one's life..Never do we realise it's value until we slip out of it..Neither did i..When i were at school,all i wanted was a bit of a peace from homeworks and exams..all i wanted was to grow up and be bestowed the freedom to move around..But now i desperately wish if i were back to that innocent world.. I really miss my school a lot..

We met to part and parted to meet again!

Khuda Hafiz


Monday, December 8, 2008

2008-Honor or Stigma..'?'

2008 is trailing to its full stop..and on retrospection,i find it hard to generalise what kind of a year it was for us.

We were at the zenith when Abhinav Bindra brought home the first individual olympic gold when we were not even in the far proximity to a gold medal,let alone individual one after 1980..We were  triumphant in the 20-20 world cup to not just to prove our mettle but to say that we are not the one to spar with.. Never has Viswanathan Anand brought us surprises,coz he promises only victory and hence his championship of 2008 was not a matter of astonishment..

2008 marked its glory in Indian history when She landed on moon being the 4th unmanned mission to be successful!

2008 was a year of great strategic improtance in the case of our foreign affairs,for although there was a lot of fuss about it,NUKE was for sure a matter of inexpicable importance for us not only as a better source of power but as a means to cement the relationship with the US (or in better words,to hob-nob with the world's strongest power!).. And of course,India is a world power and we don't exactly require a nuke to corroborate it.

4years of the 'unity' that the UPA carassed,suddenly seemed to have become calloused when the nuke was at stake and the tragic climax was the withdrawal of support by the left..But the Congress doesnt seemed to have given it a damn,for they managed to win the non-confidence move by appeasing Amar singh..

Economic crisis was yet another snag..not yet another,but the fiercest of all..But neither do we find a specific reason,nor do we find a specific course or solution to it.. Inflation reached its peak squeezing all the bourgeouis.. We saw stock markets tumbling down and closing abruptly,every now and then.. The abating inflation rates,the victory of Obama,non of them seemed to solve the pirroueting sensex crisis.. Still,these days,situation seems to thaw..

2008 was a year of terrifying terror strikes too.. Samjautha express, Hyderabad, Jaipur, Bangalore, Ahmedabad, New Delhi, Modasa, Malegaon, Kanpur, Imphal, Mumbai.. it was an era of terror and fright.. Among them,the attack on Mumbai was the most noted and unprecedented one in terms of its intensity,the modus operandi and the targets..It had been a general convention that the attack points are railway stations and bus stops,.or crowded markets or streets..May be for the first time ever the affluent bowl was made to stand face to face with the demons..Not just an air raid or a shelling,but a real war for more than 60hours..Although Assam was less noticed,it was struck hard too,.and for very brief time,the explosions did help to bring the neglected eastern province in the limelight!

No matter where,no matter how,no matter what kind of people..but terrorism clouted hard on everyone proving India is just not a world power,but a total imbecile when comes to intelligence and curbing terror.. As usual,the attack was followed by a series of resignations and reshuffling of the ministry,Shivraj Patil,Deshmukh,R.R.Patil,were all resigning although they did try a plethora of hare-brained justifications for their lapse..

"I did have some intelligence info but not a specific one..",Vilasrao Deshmukh(did he expect the terrorists to ring him up to say the exact time and location of the attack~!) ; "In big cities as Mumbai,such incidents are common",R.R.Patil(if this was the diminutive casual one,what in his yardsticks are the dire one?) ; "If it was not Sandeep's house,not even a dog will stop by your house!",Achuthananthan(such an unparliamentary comment!),were all some of the most stupid of all comments from the schmucky politicians..

In spite of all these barricades,life still moves on..with 22 days left to wind up 2008,the impending days are met with suspense and horror like Dan Brown's Angels and Demons..And more than ever our fortitude and rectitude is put to question.. "Arise,Awake and stop not till your goal is reached!"

Khuda Hafiz


Tuesday, October 14, 2008


But for you,
I would never have felt love.
If not for you,
I would never have endured rejection.
You drove me to the zenith,
and then plunged me into the abyss.

You were the tenor of my life..
The nub n pith of my existence..
And when you were gone,
it was not just you,
but my demure self,
my love n affection,
that left me.
Never did i ever know,
I could love someone so much..

It's not my smile,
but my facade that you see,
for you read the curve in my lips,
and not the tears in the squinted eyes..
Perhaps,I never showed,
in the fear of pricking you,
hurting you.

What you left in me,
was nothing but a black hole..
and i kept on digging myself into it,
in search of you,.
in search of my lost self..

I'm shuddered,
out of my reverie.
And all that is left with me,
is the shards of my dreams,
my hopes and euphoria..

Days passed..
Months passed..
Never did i find a day,
without your thoughts..
Never did i sleep a wink,
without you peeping in my dreams..
I was set to miss you a great deal,
but i miss you more than that,
for it's not just you,
but my self that i lost.

Never did i love and adore someone so much..
Never did i respect and admire someone so much..

Neither your absence,
nor your silence,
would bring me back my senses,
for,they are lost..
Lost forever..

Never did i love someone so much..
Never will i ever..

Disclaimer:This is nothing but crazy musings and is not bound to interrogation..!!

Khuda Hafiz

Tuesday, October 7, 2008


World is spinning in an unprecedented pace,.leaving everyone off-guard.. Technically speaking,it must have been like,the earth has stopped spinning,for spinning is what it does always..and it's the state of repose that brings about chaos on the globe..no atmosphere,no ambient environment,no magnetic field,..
I'm sorry,but geology is not my forte,.neither was my intention to blabber the geological gibberish..

Nevertheless,it is bedlam on the globe,.Every imaginable luke and corner of the earth seems to be shuddered in a pandemonium..The collapse of the financial giants of the US had been a blindsided ambush pelting hard on the continent..What is disgusting the most is the fact that the havoc is the ramifications of a sordid greed on the part of the fiscal monsters that boosted up the real-estate sector of the US resulting in every tom,dick and harry getting hold of a billion worth castle without a collateral security nor an income certificate or stable job even..And the most hilarious of all snippets is that,we see the emergence of a new creed of people in the US which are nothing but the home-less middle class who are bound to seek shelter in their cars or the like..

It wouldn't have been a matter of interest lest the crash was confined to the international policeman..unfortunately enough,it seems precariously contagious and has already tightened its paws in almost all parts of the world..The EU has made its share of collapse as well..

Owing to the fact that a major flake of our financial institutions are in the public sector,India could manage to squirm free from the claws of financial breakdown..yet,the sensex has been plummeting steadily.. Albeit the financial sector is still safe,the IT sector which concentrated on the services in the monetary sector has met with a head-on collision already leaving one hell of Indian Professionals jobless..

Letting apart the global affairs and getting back home,we find an even more discomfiting state of affairs..
The ever upheld tag of secularism and communal harmony of the nation is revealing itself to be a brittle and fragile shroud which could easily be disrupted..With all those communal tensions in Orissa between the Hindus and the Christians continuing relentlessly snatching and plundering the lives and even more precious aspects of the innocents,matters are worsening as it reaches a fork which is attributed to the proclamation of culpability of the assassination of a hindutva leader by the maoists and the staggering revelation of the fact that the culprits were not merely the materialistic maoists but those practicing christianity..

The communal tension flares up to set the dry forests of Assam on fire with the Bodos and the Muslims fighting,for what is still obscure to me..

When one part of the country is paralyzed with the communal tensions,there's yet another hemorrhage startling the nation which is nothing but the terrorist attacks..We had been quarried by the terrorists since early '90's although the attacks in Kashmir even before 90's were left unnoticed..But what's most effing is the fact that there's an escalating trend of Indian born and brought-up educated youth turning against the nation in the brand of a shadowy Indian Mujahuddeen,hierarchy of which is still veiled, for reasons of alienation or insecurity or injustice or some f***..vindications apart,effect remains the same..and till date they have proved themselves invincible in clouting the nation at the major cities and centers of economic development..It's unquestionable that the IM is not truly Desi,especially owing to the jihadi training for the pawns from Pakistan and the like..And it is still obscure if it is the ostensible reasons of alienation or insecurity which is spearheading the spiraling terrorism or the rising pro-American attitude or it is yet another jihadi ploy to bring about total havoc in the so-called upcoming world power..

Amid all these turmoil,and the unrelenting 12.something inflation rate that squeezes a layman,the UPA govt still makes it to the N-deal leaving the common mob still dubious about the state of India being at the receiving end of a one-sided contract..all we can do at this moment is to wait and see if it's gonna be a hasty decision bound to regret on retrospect..

In spite of the pandemonium across the globe,life still moves on..Zindegi Migzara..

Khuda Hafiz

Friday, September 26, 2008


Neyveli Railway Station welcomes you..

The train reached Neyveli at around 2am and the 3 guys got out.. They looked around to see that the station was almost deserted but for some track guards..
"We'll stay back at the waiting room till it's dawn..",someone enlightened others..

Three of them,Nithin aka nimo,Hasif aka kudu and Nitheesh,were set to Neyveli to enquire about their external project at NLC and fortunately enough they arrived the station at the most unearthly hour when even the stray dogs were deeply into sleeping..and they were obviously forced to wait till 6am to ring their patron,the one they are obliged to for securing the internship at NLC..

"Lemme slip into my nightdress and manage some sleep..",kudu was almost drained enough to hardly keep his eyes open..yeah of course,only hardcore nocturnals manage it quite well to keep awake at as early as 2am after a cumbersome journey..
"Heyy kudu,let's see if we can manage some coffee and check out the surroundings..hand us over the tickets and our college id in case somebody comes around smelling fish..",others interjected..and soon left out leaving kudu and the luggage back at the rest room..

Nimo and Nitheesh returned after a while with their coffee and soap and paste and whatever stuffs it was when they heard a familiar scream from the station master's cabin..
"Help..Help...two men..drunk..dragging me..trampling me..help please.."
Well,thoroughly discomfited and aghast,both of them ran to the cabin to see kudu blanched and confused,amid a gang of people obviously the RPF..

"What is the problem sir?",Nimo asked..

"Problema..??You wanna know what the problema..??I suppose he's your friend..This nitwit slapped me right on my face.. and for your kind information,i'm from the RPF..and we are having a hunch that you guys are terrorists,especially taking into account the islam background of this fellow..and don't you dare think that you guys could walk out of Neyveli as easily as u thought you would.."Someone,certainly not in uniforms,blustered out in a heavy tanglish(tamil+english) accent..for the sake of addressing,lets call mr.policeman as Muniyandi..

"WHAT???What kudu?What the hell did you do??"

"Man,i was sitting in the waiting room when these two drunk bastards came in and asked what i was upto and where my tickets were and all.. Why the heck should i answer some drunk schmucks??I said something and they started plundering our bag and that was when i tried to recapture it by slapping him on his face..and they trailed me here to say they were police officers in mufti.. What to do now??",kudu somehow managed to explain the state of affairs partly with the mallu and partly with the ITC lessons he had been taught so far..encrypting the words into symbols,binary or ternary or whatever and send the cue..

Perceiving the heat of the situation,nimo asked Mr.Muniyandi,"What should we do sir?"

"I can help you both..but i won't let go this man who buffeted me insolently.."

"Sir please,we are no felons or criminals or terrorists.. We are just engineering students and unfortunately enough we happened to land on Neyveli at this untimely hour,not to plan an explosion but to enquire about our internship.."

"Students..Ahuh.. Don't you guys keep track on day-to-day events?? The most deletirious explosions in the country lately had been carried out by students and that too by proffessional ones like you..",Mr.Muniyandi barked..

"We are sorry for his disdain sir..But it was a mistake..not a deliberate one.. Now please help us get out of the snag",Nitheesh pleaded like duh..

"Alright,you guys gotto pay a fine of Rs.750 and i'll let go off you both.."

"No sir,we 3 gotto be safe.."

"Pay me Rs.750 now.."
Reluctantly enough,someone handed him the 750 bucks..
"Ok..Now gimme 250 more.."

"What for sir?We'd already paid you the fine,right??"

"This is the official one and you gotto pay me the compensation for disregarding my position..Do you understand..?"

"Ok sir..But,could you please hand us back those 750 we gave,..We don't have any more change..We'll hand over a 1000Rs note instead."

It seemed like the olfactory glands of muniyandi was working too well to sense the presence of excess cash with his prey..and demanded another 250 for which the boys had no other go but to abide by..

And the boys somehow settled the issue,or so it seemed,when the singularly greedy schylock in muniyandi peeped out again waging for the mobile phone..
"But sir,..we'd already given you 1250..Why should we hand over a phone??"

"You rascals,..I can arrest you under POTA and keep you indefinitely for suspicion of terrorist links..You get me?Now you will handover the phone or not?"

Admitting the culpability of the situation,kudu handed over his phone..

"Alright guys,now you may go..Immediately leave the station,..Hire an auto and get back to the bus stand where you'll get the bus to your destination..Travel Safe.."

Being damn obedient,our heroes left the station parting with their 1250 pennies and a multimedia cellphone..and in 15min they were in the neyveli bus stand.. Figuring out a place to ensconce themselves and rest their ass,they went ahead..
In less than 10min of pandemonium,they noticed an auto scouting around and a familiar hideous mug getting out of it..
Mr.Muniyandi strikes again.!

"Heyy guys,..I'm sorry to say,but then things are no more under my control now..DGP wants to meet you guys and enquire personally.."

Smelling the avarice in his words,Nimo slapped back,"Sir,we have no more money in our possession..We've just enough money left to get back home.."

"Gimme a phone..lemme make a call to the DGP and ask if there's a way out.."
Gaining access to a phone,he dialed a no: and switched on the speaker mode just to vindicate his innocence in the matter..

"Hello sir..DGP sir,..the guys are innocent sir,they are just students..Can't we just let them go..?"
"No..i gotto enquire them..bring them here.."
"Sir please sir.."Muniyandi tried to sound genuine...
"Alright..Fire them enough so that they don't loiter around carelessly this way in their future.."
Strangely enough,the Mr.DGP at the other end of the call sounded not more than a 10th std literate who lacked the poise or dignity of a bureaucrat in his words..

"Do somebody wanna talk to him??"Mr.Muniyandi extended his substantiative bait..

"Lemme talk,.."Nimo took charge and started asking things dubiously in English,..partly because he was not well versed with the local dialect and apparently to test the genuineness of the prank..

To his surprise,..or rather more as expected,there was not even an angresi word that Mr.DGP could utter instead kept on humming and huh-ing..and soon the call ended..
"Anyhow,I'll let you guys go,but then i have another police-pal with me who gotto be treated as well.."
"Sir we told you,we have no money.."
"Make it to Rs.500"
"No sir"
"We can manage 250 sir..not more.."
"Alright..gimme that.."
Handing over another 250,cursing all sorts of swear words in mallu with a smiling facade,the boys gasped for a bit of oxygen..
"Happy journey dear boys..You can be on-board the bus in half an hour..Bye.."

And there ended the eventful Neyveli expedition of the bankrupt engineers...

**This is nimo' version of narration..Nitheesh and kudu might have something more to add as well.. Readers,please pardon me for the flaws if any...

Khuda Hafiz

Saturday, September 13, 2008


I looked at him for another glimpse..
Did i miss something..?
Did i see him breathe..?
Was he just sleeping or..?
I went back from the gate with a gust of emotions for another round of substantiation..to listen to his heartbeat.. just to see him respire..

"What brings you back from the gate daily?You forgot something?",mom asked..
"Nothing ma",i replied and embarked to my destination..
Yeah,he was subsisting.. Convinced,i went to school..
It was always discomfiting to check if my grandpa was really fine,the habit i honed since when i don't know.. It was not a mere pathological trepidation which ran through my mind.. But he was a heart patient who'd undergone two major cardiac arrests..

I'd always wondered if i really deserved someone like him.. He was Mr.Impeccable in my eyes. My teacher,my mentor,my friend,my guardian,and a hell lot more..someone who was revered in the community..
Since my granny's death at my age of 11,i had been my gramp's best pal..his companion for all the weirdest of ventures..be thats about spirituality or movies or cards or carroms,we savored each other's company..and we always had the best of all hang outs..(mostly to temples..lol)..but anything with him was fun..

I'd seen him whimper in pain asking me to pick his tablets for angina.. I'd seen him groan at midnight unable to sleep coz of the excruciating agony within.. I'd seen him fighting the cardiodynia with fortitude..and yet i never perceived them fully.. All i knew was the python was tightening its grip and asphyxiating him..

For all those who are not aware,Onam is the grandest festival of Kerala.. The time of joy and gaiety..
We being Tamil Brahmins,never celebrated it,for it was not our custom..
Grandpa was sick with fever and cough.. But then i was not perplexed for i was home 24hrs.. It was like everything in the universe waited for my nod for the tramples..

Life is like sinusoidal oscillations..it plummets into dolefulness the moment you think you are the happiest..at least that was what my mom always told me.. to be stand-offish to any kind of emotions,to both felicity or desolation.. But best of all lessons are easily preached than practiced..

Holidays are always fun you see,..We were all enjoying the festival with movies and family reunions.. And everytime i thought i was excessively happy,i looked around for him..as though he was my speed breaker..

The most important day of the festival..
I got up pretty early and was amused to see grandpa wide awake..he never got up before it was dawn.. In spite of his fever and persisting sickness,he seemed happy.. It was after about 2-3days that he got up and walked around.. Talked pretty lot..

After a while,his face stretched..blood flushing out of the visage..
Tired,i thought..
He went and sat back on his bed..and asked for everyone to come around..
In a few seconds,he was sinking..i clouted on his chest hoping to reinvigorate the heart.. I clouted hard.. But there was no motion.. With a slim ray of hope,i went close..just to feel him breathe..he just fell sleepy,i told myself..i went close..
Did i miss something..?
Did i see him breathe..?
Was he just sleeping or..?
No.. This time,he was not subsisting.. This time luck was not my forte.. It was time for him to bid farewell.. I realized.. He was gone.. Gone forever.. No more jokes.. No more cards.. No more carroms.. No more fun... No more grandpa.. I couldn't cry for the pain was not subsidable by a shed of tears.. But yet,i felt more or less paralyzed.. A part of me was gone forever.. waging good bye for eternal sleep..

I never made the most ideal grandchild..i never even tried being one.. I made my own share of mistakes.. And i always enjoyed being rebellious.. I never looked around to see how painful my actions were to others..

Tomorrow is my grandpa's 6th death anniversary..
It's been long 2191days since i was left alone..
I always feel his protective shroud around me..his soul happily watching me over my success and anxiously grimacing over my failures..

Grandpa,for all my sins,i sincerely plead your pardon.. and i just wanted to tell you that i love you immensely and the gravity by which i miss you is something i fail to articulate...

Khuda Hafiz

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


"Is this the time to get up,you lazy bum???Sleeping till the sun gets on to the head and then loafing around..!God knows what you are gonna do once you get married..!",that's nothing but my wake up call..

Well,if you were thinking what this fuss was all about,I slept till 8.43am(a better way to say slept till 9) and mumbled back to mom as though she woke me up early in the dawn at some 4'o clock..

"Can't you please let me sleep for some more time mom,i went to bed very late yesterday, you see.."
"What????I let you sleep like hell and no more grumbles will be tolerated! Just because you are having a holiday doesn't give you a license to sleep your ass off..Get up.."

Getting up early (at 6am..nerds and other non-nocturnal homeotherms,please bear the atrocity!) and spiffying up has become a need of the hour to keep myself going, with the never ending journey of acquiring knowledge and wisdom[:D] since when i don't know.. So it's quite obvious i sleep till early noon than early morning in holidays.. At least holidays are meant for mental and physical dormancy..and it would have been a penalizable offense on the doomsday if one was caught red-handed of dereliction of duty to repose on a holiday.. And i certainly didn't want to be quarried for that and so took immense care about it..

"Can't you get up early and help your mom in household?Do you think you are still in kindergarten to be on the prowl always??",added agony you see,dad was waiting downstairs to holler at me as well.. It's always a matter of inexplicable pleasure to join someone in bellows.. I looked around furtively to find my brother(although he's younger to me by 1830days,that's 5 years and 4 days precisely) floating on slumber..(discrimination against girl-child is a punishable offense!)

"Do you think you can do the same once you are with your mother-in-law?She'll kick your butt out if you slept till 10 and got up to ask bed-coffee..",mom didn't seem relented..

Nevertheless,the monologue ended as i went to attend the most important calls..of course you know whose..

But how is it that girls and boys have frigging different etiquette?Howsoever people tend to nudge away conservatism,some things never change you see.. Now you may think i shirk from my responsibilities for an easy life and whine like a loafer.. Not really,for i do satisfy all the yardsticks of a good Indian spinster or a wife in the future or whatever..Thanks to my mom again..

Nakheenam cha nadeenam cha shringeenam shastrapaaninam
Vishwaso naiva karthavya sthreeshu rajakuleshu cha..

Don't ever trust the beasts with claws or sharp horns,rivers,the armed persons,women and the members of royal families.

Courtesy to Mr.Chanakya,for he provided me the above verses from his legendary work,Chanakya Neeti,the set of protocols,to be followed lest you savor the thought of being a successful and revered personality.. (Explicitly telling us that he didn't even trust his mom,let alone his wife, if ever he had any)..I didn't intend to bitch about him,but then i just wanted to state the irrevocable attitude of men and the society towards women since ages..

I do acquiesce that women are different from men and have a hell lot of limitations..but then these restrictions doesn't imply a subordinate status in the society..when something or someone is precious enough,it is quite obvious to demand a careful manoeuvre..we don't handgrip 1000rs notes as often as 10rs ones right?And apart from this bradykinesis what other stark pros do these Herr's have on the Donna's??

Although we do see a lot of apparent changes in the cities in the attitude towards females,the society is still driven by male chauvinistic pigs..

When girls sleep till 10 it means they are crossing the limits,and when boys do,they are just relaxing after a week's strenuous labor..
When girls hang out on all holidays they are being less homely,and when boys do,they are trying to be sociable..
When girls don't manage to be at home by 6-7pm,they are disregarding the society,and when boys do,they are just being bold..
And a helluva more..(all the MCPs, get lost)

The most frequent counter-question encountered is what exactly would be the condition of you girls if there was no one to check your activities..i should say,wtf.! If it was just the restrictions imposed by nature on the women that really mattered,then there has to be no female on the roads of any other city of the country after dusk..which for certain is not the case..

One can barely see any more than 10 ladies on the buses after 7pm,which otherwise is crowded with them, in kerala.. The working women of every other neighboring state move around freely even at 10pm without the fear of a molestation or whatever..but it sounds like the women here have got something extra to lose.. It has always been human psychology to encroach when something is veiled..and thats what exactly happens in the case of restricted women...once they have balls to face any situation not any soul is gonna quarry them..any theory has got its own exceptions,so does mine..

We are not living in 18th century,when women were to be pertained as just the chefs and the means of pleasure to the patriarchs.. We have embarked into the path of social upliftment when women are even considered in a space tour.. Girls have proved themselves at par with boys in almost all the arenas,girls do contribute profoundly to the family income,and girls do leave their foot-prints taut in the society..and they deserve a better treatment than as mellow cindrellas whose merits were not being recognized.. What we need is not a 33% reservation in the parliament or a fee concession in the schools but a better outlook towards the growth of the feminine lot..

"Is there any sex-distinction in the Atman (Self)? Out with the differentiation between man and woman—all is Atman! Give up the identification with the body, and stand up!",Swami Vivekananda

Khuda Hafiz

Monday, September 8, 2008


"How long do you think we are going to enjoy life..??",Shini asked me during one of our bunk hours..

Bunking and loitering around has become our only means of ENJOYMENT in this ever sucking college of mine.. It's not that there was not any paper which was a hard to miss one..but that it was those bone-cracking boring lectures which were hard to attend... It's been a honed hobby of mine to sit and brood how people manage to blabber in front of a crowd even after knowing that not any live soul was listening..

... '..Ma'am,how could you omit that term to reach that step..?',an enthused student upon whom slumber has not bestowed its caress yet.. '..Listen,we are performing a proof,and our only aim is to reach the final step somehow and prove the result..',.. has been an irrevocable scrap in the drama..may be some lecturers ad lib a bit and veil their ignorance diplomatically by saying .. '..See,that term is negligibly small and it doesn't matter any more in the derivation..' ..nevertheless,the effect remains the same.. FYI sit in such a stupid class and curse yourself to be destined to hear all these craps and sit numb castrating all your logic..

66 was not any number which was writ large for a big mob,..neither was it so diminutive to neglect.. If you are scratching your head thinking what my point was about this number,66 is my class strength..but frankly enough i still have a doubt if there were exactly 66 people in my class..not that my peers were extra silent and extra ordinarily decent not to mark their presence..but that with all these fucking 80% attendance and other disciplinary measures,the number has been plummeting sedately,with all those year-outs and suspensions and dismissals..

How could someone not manage at least 80% attendance in a sem..?',as any other innocent fresher,even i had such doubtful mushrooms in my mind when in first year..innocence and age has always been inversely proportional you see..and as time sped by,like for every other rotting engineering aspirant condonations and year-outs have become entangled with the technical jargons..and sleeping in the class has just been the mere efforts to manage an 80+% attendance..

"WHAT?? Do you mean to say we are enjoying now..??You call this life rocking??",I almost barked at her.. I apologize if i failed to imbue the closeness in my words,but shini is my best friend..

"See,i didn't mean to blow a rock-on in this asylum..but we are at least having some fun,right?",well,she seemed to be satiated with her present situation..

"What do you mean girl.?Is just bunking and loitering,the yardsticks of fun? Or is just watching some movies,enjoyment?"

"Then what do you want us to do?Go to some disco clubs and dance? Or just hang around like stray animals?"

"I didn't mean to say that,you see.."

"Yeah,i know what you meant.I certainly didn't mean to say we were enjoying here..with all these sucking classes and the assignments and the sessionals and the ever dragging university exams,life is definitely mundane here..But see,there's something apart from the material happiness.."

Man,it's too easy to bullshit philosophies and advices,.even i do it myself since that's the only marketable product without a capital investment..but trust me,being at the receiving end is like being stranded in a hell..you can neither lurch apart nor can you speak back and slacken the other person's alacrity..i had no other go but to listen..

"..see,let alone the happiness you get from movies and discos and hang-outs and bunks.There's something else that you cherish through out your life.. and that's the friendship you secure.."
Alright,so she was not totally blunt..after all she had a point..

"So what was your point?How long do we enjoy means what?",i spoke after a long gap,.long enough,for mostly it might be me blabbering more in a conversation..

"I was asking how long will we be together..we just have a year left in the college and very less class hours with all those external projects coming amid the acads.. Mine was a rhetorical question,you dumb-ass.I didn't mean to gambit a discourse.. I was just sad how we'll meet up after the course..",She snapped back and then we had nothing more to talk about..sometimes silence conveys more than hollers..we just sat there morosely for a while,.and by that time bell rang and we left for the class..

Each friend represents a world in us,.a world possibly not born until they arrive..and it's only by this meeting that a new world is born.. They are the only ones who accept you the way you are,without expecting anything in return.. They are the only souls who pull your torso out when you are suffocating in a confined aisle..


Life is all about friendship.. When you are young,parents and siblings are your friends.. Your peers take up that place in due course.. Then your spouse becomes your best friend.. In your old-age,your off-springs are your best pals.. Best of all relationships sprouts when you expect less.. As in the case of innocence and age, relationships and expectations do not always go hand-in-hand.. Love more,hope less..

Love you all,my dear sweet friends..amour tu cher ami..

Khuda Hafiz

Saturday, September 6, 2008


"Heart is enclosed in a double walled sac,the pericardium and in between its two layers,there's a pericardial fluid..and it prevents the friction between the heart walls and the tissue.."Annamma ma'am barked with her ever soothing sweet voice to make us understand.. It was always a paradox about her voice and its effect..

It was the 4th and the last hour of the forenoon session..like a marathon race,she had been teaching or lecturing or singing biology into our ears for the 3rd consecutive period..of course her perseverance needs special appraisal, for she continued blabbering even though she knew,not a centipede or millipede in the class was listening.. even chitra's songs wouldn't have succeeded so well when compared to annamma ma'am's lectures for we could never never help ourselves from dozing off if it was just her zoology that we were rapturously listening to.. this was not just a day's suffering..but we'd been going through this hell since the very first day of 11th std..

We'd discovered or invented every possible way to sneak out of her class..and each day started with the thoughts of escapism.. We became the most privileged visitors of the library for it was our nearest refugee camp.. We even became the most glorified nature lovers of the school until when the gardener started asking us,do you girls not have classes this period.. Physics and Chemistry labs were our next resort for that was far less asphyxiating when compared to the bio classes..

"God.! How long do i have to listen to this atrocity..will the bell not ring soon..?",i heard me mumbling to myself..


I suddenly jolted out of the reverie as i heard her holler someone's name..i looked around and felt even others were shuddered out of a dream..or may be my squint made it seem so..

"What happened?",i asked Nandita,she happened to be the one bearing my snores that day..
"I don't know,seems like Anand did some mischief..",she looked discomfited either..
"Which Anand..?",I asked..
If it's not obvious from the question,we had 2 ANANDs in our class.. Anand Sriram and Anand.C..
I didn't have to wait for her answer for i saw ma'am picking someone by his shirt.. Ohh yeah,it was Anand.C.. but what happened..? If it was the nap that mattered,even others were doing the same..!

"What was going on..? Gimme that book..!"
"Ma'am..please ma'am,i'm sorry.."
"I say gimme that book.!"
At last he surrendered and handed her the book.. Gosh.! It was his entrance material..must be,he was doing his homework for the day..

"I'll see to it that you don't get these books in your lifetime.."she ranted and went on with her class..

Bell rang.. She left the class after 5min of the bell.. that was her shortest possible relaxation time, and granted only because that happened to be the break time..

Why did i narrate all this..?
Yeah to elucidate how pathetic my attention was in that class..biology sucks..to the core..i cursed myself every single day on my decision to take bio-maths..i never understood how a mozzie respired or how a cockroach excreted..neither did i understand if an Australopithecus really had a brain..

Life went on with similar snippets of events occurring every single day..
I should say,it was not until my second pre-board that i really read at least a sentence of the bio text.. i was completely molested in the first pre-board.. that everyone was,of course.. But by the time second one arrived,my parents started whinging about my studies.. Even I thought it was time i sputter and start reading the Amarchitrakatha, for the boards were less than 3 months away..
The more i read the more dreadful it was..but nevertheless i could salvage myself from the fiasco this time.. In less than a month,the third exam came as well..and it went on fine too..(FINE only meant the overall gain was good, for, the input was very meager!)

And then came the monster..the giant dragon..the board exams..
Study hols started.. I started praying.. that's the only way out for bums like me and God is the only one apart from mom who tolerates my rants and raves in silence..
I studied studied studied..studied my ass of..i never understood anything in the Tinkle..neither could i mug up and regurgitate in the exams..but still i couldn't give up..it was no time to give up.. exams were in the offing spitting fire everywhere and if i shirked at that point,it was my end..

Monster dragon reached..3 hours of struggling in the hell-hole exam hall.. utter gibberish in my answer paper..

All the theory exams ended,giving way to the other petrifying ones..

2 months of lull between exams and results passed..
May 25th(not sure if it was 24th or 25th or 26th,at this point..but surely one of the three..!), the d-day..
I got up pretty early..started praying The Omnipotent,The Omnipresent,The Providence with all my cheesy prayers..
I switched on the pc and logged on to net well in advance..may be my parents thought,Wah.!how eager she is to get her results..only i could feel the dragon pirouetting inside my stomach..


I reloaded the page some 10-15times until i saw my name..
I prayed with my full heart..and glanced through the result once,..all A grades..God.! I reloaded again,.is that really my result or some other gayathri of some other school.. No it was mine..
I couldn't believe my eyes for it was that pathetic my performance in the exams..
But yeah,my climax was no melo.. It was yet another happy ending.. Yet another plays directed by the master evaluator.. yet another comedies written by Him..

It was only then that i got the drift that 'agar ending khush na ho tho picture abhi bhi baaki he mere dosth..!'

Khuda Hafiz