Immanence..

I looked at him for another glimpse..
Did i miss something..?
Did i see him breathe..?
Was he just sleeping or..?
I went back from the gate with a gust of emotions for another round of substantiation..to listen to his heartbeat.. just to see him respire..

"What brings you back from the gate daily?You forgot something?",mom asked..
"Nothing ma",i replied and embarked to my destination..
...
..
Yeah,he was subsisting.. Convinced,i went to school..
It was always discomfiting to check if my grandpa was really fine,the habit i honed since when i don't know.. It was not a mere pathological trepidation which ran through my mind.. But he was a heart patient who'd undergone two major cardiac arrests..

I'd always wondered if i really deserved someone like him.. He was Mr.Impeccable in my eyes. My teacher,my mentor,my friend,my guardian,and a hell lot more..someone who was revered in the community..
Since my granny's death at my age of 11,i had been my gramp's best pal..his companion for all the weirdest of ventures..be thats about spirituality or movies or cards or carroms,we savored each other's company..and we always had the best of all hang outs..(mostly to temples..lol)..but anything with him was fun..

I'd seen him whimper in pain asking me to pick his tablets for angina.. I'd seen him groan at midnight unable to sleep coz of the excruciating agony within.. I'd seen him fighting the cardiodynia with fortitude..and yet i never perceived them fully.. All i knew was the python was tightening its grip and asphyxiating him..

For all those who are not aware,Onam is the grandest festival of Kerala.. The time of joy and gaiety..
We being Tamil Brahmins,never celebrated it,for it was not our custom..
Grandpa was sick with fever and cough.. But then i was not perplexed for i was home 24hrs.. It was like everything in the universe waited for my nod for the tramples..

Life is like sinusoidal oscillations..it plummets into dolefulness the moment you think you are the happiest..at least that was what my mom always told me.. to be stand-offish to any kind of emotions,to both felicity or desolation.. But best of all lessons are easily preached than practiced..

Holidays are always fun you see,..We were all enjoying the festival with movies and family reunions.. And everytime i thought i was excessively happy,i looked around for him..as though he was my speed breaker..

Thiruvonam..
The most important day of the festival..
I got up pretty early and was amused to see grandpa wide awake..he never got up before it was dawn.. In spite of his fever and persisting sickness,he seemed happy.. It was after about 2-3days that he got up and walked around.. Talked pretty lot..

After a while,his face stretched..blood flushing out of the visage..
Tired,i thought..
He went and sat back on his bed..and asked for everyone to come around..
In a few seconds,he was sinking..i clouted on his chest hoping to reinvigorate the heart.. I clouted hard.. But there was no motion.. With a slim ray of hope,i went close..just to feel him breathe..he just fell sleepy,i told myself..i went close..
Did i miss something..?
Did i see him breathe..?
Was he just sleeping or..?
...
..
No.. This time,he was not subsisting.. This time luck was not my forte.. It was time for him to bid farewell.. I realized.. He was gone.. Gone forever.. No more jokes.. No more cards.. No more carroms.. No more fun... No more grandpa.. I couldn't cry for the pain was not subsidable by a shed of tears.. But yet,i felt more or less paralyzed.. A part of me was gone forever.. waging good bye for eternal sleep..

I never made the most ideal grandchild..i never even tried being one.. I made my own share of mistakes.. And i always enjoyed being rebellious.. I never looked around to see how painful my actions were to others..

Tomorrow is my grandpa's 6th death anniversary..
It's been long 2191days since i was left alone..
I always feel his protective shroud around me..his soul happily watching me over my success and anxiously grimacing over my failures..

Grandpa,for all my sins,i sincerely plead your pardon.. and i just wanted to tell you that i love you immensely and the gravity by which i miss you is something i fail to articulate...

Khuda Hafiz
~Gayathri~