But, is it nothing to know when you are dying, when you are about to take leave of this world, of its joys and sorrows, when the past of your life is unfurled before you, when eternity opens wide its portals, is it nothing to know at that last awful,supreme moment of your lives, that you have not lived in vain, that you have lived for the benefit of others, that you have lived to help in the cause of your country's regeneration?

-Surendranath Banerjea

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Thoughts..

I woke up the third time from the sleep which was already broken..I was not initially sleepy despite the clock ticking 1am..Lost in the thoughts,which veered from rejuvenating to tiring ones,eyes felt heavy and at some point in time,unknown yet,i slept..

I had weird dreams..

I was lost in a desert..With no one to talk..no one to help me out either.. I was on my my own,totally..Wherever i turned to there was nothing but the hot grit and gravel..I shouted..I ran..endlessly..until i could pull on no more..

I panted..searching for the bottle of water i thought i had kept by my bed..But no,it wasn't there..I strolled across all the rooms in the flat aimlessly and returned back to bed..

Slumber showered its blessings upon me again..

And this time what i had to endure was a train of advices..Ever since i landed in bangalore,i'd been constantly under the fears of,1)wrong place to live, 2)to board an auto 3)expenditure exceeding the income.. All the more stinchy i tried to be,i ended up spending more profligately..All my belongings,which lay astray in my room reminded me of my expenses in the past..Not that i belonged to the league of that 'spoilt kid' which bible stated..but bangalore makes me spend..either out of necessities or out of uncontrollable whims..

This time i didn't jump out of the bed..Bearable stuffs you see..All i did was stay awake,for the fear of drowning in another dream..

Somewhere along,i slept again..

And yet,i was awake..awake in the thoughts..

Was that a tremor that i felt??I tried to concentrate..No,it was not..It was my mobile sincerely informing me of the endless stream of messages..I could hang on not any more..

I closed my eyes tight..and got out of the bed..walked like a kid with the help of the walls and switch boards which showed me the way..and finally i reached where i had to..

I switched on the light.. rubbed my eyes..and let myself dissolve in His glory..The innocent smile..The radiance..The fruits and coins and gold exhibited..(flowers were not available)!..And

Yes,it was vishu..The first vishu away from home..Without those 'kaineetams' and familial visits..Simple yet humble..we celebrated it as best as we could..

Happy Vishu.

PS:I'm constantly under this doubt of who to follow..my instincts and what my mind says is right,or what others,the formless,speechless society set forth..I prefer the former..and till date,had abided by what my mind asked me to..but the pressure that the people who i love,who love me equally,put upon me,keeping the social status at stake disgusts me,depresses me..
PPS:I especially want the moron Durga to reply!!!!

Khuda Hafiz
~Gayathri~

6 comments:

sujata said...

ppy Vishu Gayathri!! You are growing and isnt that wonderful!

ZB said...

Happy Vishu, I have spent almost the last 15 years of my life without vishu kani and Kainettam.

But today i had a proper Vishu. Thanks to my Wife and Daughter. Thats the best thing of being married.

HaRy!! said...

Hey happy vishu.... yu forgot the cartoonist eh ? :) ...cyu around tak care

Thousif Raza said...

god isalways by your side yar always :)

happy vishnu... i know its late but i am lazy so be great ful that i came atleast :P

have fun in banglore... from now on atleast .....


take care and keep writing................

函佩政松 said...

GOOD........................................

Durga Nandan said...

:)
'Moron' Durga has replied finally. :)

Yes. Lot of pressure. Right now, dad and some stupid elders want me to join the bank whereas I want the MBA. I dont want to sadden dad [rest are immaterial to me.] but cant leave my dreams either. So I convince dad and do my MBA.

You know what babe? Those that advise you will leave soon. They wont help when you are not satisfied with your life. Just dont worry. Stay on your stand for two weeks and people forget the whole thing and move on to find another prey.

Parents yes. You gotta give 'em something back. :)

'Moron' Durga. :)