But, is it nothing to know when you are dying, when you are about to take leave of this world, of its joys and sorrows, when the past of your life is unfurled before you, when eternity opens wide its portals, is it nothing to know at that last awful,supreme moment of your lives, that you have not lived in vain, that you have lived for the benefit of others, that you have lived to help in the cause of your country's regeneration?

-Surendranath Banerjea

Thursday, March 11, 2010

The Burden of Love..

Preface:
THIS IS NOT MY WORK.I got it forwarded from someone..i just loved it quite a lot for the intensity of emotions in it.. And i felt like applauding the anonymous author by publishing it here..So please,no accusations of plagiarism!!

The burden of losing someone whom you love is too much to be carried with your heart for the rest of your life.

Ragging is fun. We always escaped from our seniors when we were in the first year of our graduation. Dancing infront of female seniors, hugging the trees and calculating the lengths of the buses with match sticks, yep, it was indeed great fun to get ragged. Personally I have gained many good friends too.

Now that I am in the second year, I started to rag. Screwing guys and flirting girls is the meaning of ragging in my dictionary until one fine day I saw her.

“Hey Shania... come here” I called one of the happening girl’s around. “I am getting bored... why don’t you accompany me to the canteen?” I asked her. The expressions on her face were changing. “I know that you have to catch a bus to your home town” I said. She looked at me pretending innocence and asked, “How did you know?”

“I have been to my home town many times before when I was also a junior, even though Hyderabad is my home town.” I told her. Knowing that she’s caught, she stopped giving me lame excuses.

Some prior knowledge about Shania and some lucky flukes, I pretended reading her face and ultimately I ended up holding her hands. Even as I rubbed her hand on the pretext of reading her palm, she listened to me with great interest.

I am a scorpion and henceforth the animal magnetism that draws the opposite sex towards me. I know how to handle girls. I had a very good name in my college, both academically as well as in extracurricular activities. And she knew all this. How did she? I made sure that she knew bits and pieces about me before I made the first impression. And now, Voila, I hit the bull’s eye.

One hour later, we were good friends. Shania fell for me. And I took the control.

“I will drop you at your home, Shania” I told her. She was initially reluctant before I successfully coaxed her. A hand slowly fell on my shoulder and I slightly lost control of my bike. My bike jerked a lil’ and Shania dashed to my back.

‘Grow up dear..’ I saw a guy standing infront of me and preaching. ‘Yes, sir’ I bade good bye to my conscience and I dropped her at her home.

Days passed by and then weeks. I was getting closer and closer to her. Is she gonna be the girl in my life? Should I propose her? Thousands of thoughts ran through my mind.

One fine day, she called up. “Sanju, I know I am losing myself to you. I know that you are reciprocating the same feelings to. I know you as a good friend. I know you as a great lover. Perhaps after my dad and mom, you are the one who’s most important in my life. I guess I can’t live without you. I.....” there was a pause for a minute.

All the while she was speaking, I was holding my breath to hear those three words. ‘Come on say it Shania’ I thought in my mind.
“I don’t know where this is gonna end. My parents are way too orthodox to agree for our marriage. Why don’t we end this here?” she continued.

“But I still love you....” she said and there was a pause for a while. Tears trickled down my cheeks. Had she told me the last phrase alone, I would have been the happiest soul in this world.

What’s the point in saying an I love you which is not gonna sustain. Whats the point in being in a relationship which is not gonna last?

And I decided to breakup with her even before I could actually reciprocate her proposal.

One year passed, and whenever our ways crossed, she gave those blank glances at me. And I just bent my head and avoided her.
One day, it was late night when I was returning home when I saw a girl show her thumb hitching a ride. ‘Shania?’ and I stopped my bike. She stepped onto my bike and asked me to drive to this certain place where there was no one.

I pulled the stand and my bike rested on it. She held me by my shirt and shouted out loud, “why are you avoiding me? Why are you looking at me as if I were an enemy? Please, I do love you, but I am frightened of my parents. I just can’t live without you” and she started crying as she held my shirt and hugged me.

A woman’s heart is too deep to be understood. But that time I felt that I saw her true feelings towards me. I knew she loved me from the depths of her heart. I saw how much she cared me.

“Don’t worry baby, I will take care of it. I will see that we get married,” I said even as I kissed her on her forehead.

They say that a guy who often prays when in a relationship is damn serious about the relationship. I prayed too often. More than often, I prayed, each and every minute. I prayed to god that she and I should get married, that too with the blessings of our parents. Little did I know that I was asking for something which would never be granted.

Two years, we were in love. I watched movies with her, I have dined with her and I have walked down the roads hand in hand with her. But more than the fact that I enjoyed her company, I was always frightened that this wouldn’t last long. I never knew when we would be separated. I never knew when this relationship would come to an end.

The only thing that I could do was pray. And I never neglected my career too. After all, if our parents agree, we should be self sufficient at least.

For a few weeks, I couldn’t contact her. One day she called me up on my mobile. She said, “I am sorry Sanju. I revealed our story to my parents. My mom was about to consume poison, when my dad and me stopped her. I love my mom so much. I don’t want to lose her. I love you too. But I am frightened that my mom may kill herself. I don’t want to build a memorial of love on the grave of my parents. Please do forget me Sanju. I am sorry” she said and cut the call.

I always anticipated such an answer. It was shocking indeed for me. All these days, I have imagined her to be my wife. I have been to places of worship along with her. I ....

And now she called me saying that she’s succumbing to her parent’s pressures?

Parents are very selective about the marriage of their kids. A sense of social status is more important to them rather than the life of their kid. At least what right do they have over some one else’s child. Isn’t my life spoiled? I am not the kinda guy who just lets things go off his head and go on with life.

She always said, “I love my parents and you” and I said “I love you more than my parents”. What could she have done if I were also to threaten her or blackmail her by saying that I would consume poison and commit suicide? She would have still stayed with her parents. It was my mistake to fall in love.

And from the very next moment I started to drink and smoke. Few habits which I detested throughout my life. A few weeks later, I came to know that she married another guy. And the burden of losing someone whom you love is too much to be carried with your heart for the rest of your life....

I closed the diary. I understood the pain which my son must have undergone when he lost the lady whom he loved. I felt a stinging pain in my heart. I have never been I love. I loved only four people. My parents and my wife and the last but not the least, my son. But after reading his diary I was in his shoes for a while. I could understand his feelings.

If he had told me about his love, I would have talked to the parents of the girl and persuaded them to get these young hearts married. But I came to know later from one of my son’s friends that he had done all that, he could. He spoke to the girl’s parents. He fell at their feet. He begged them. But of no avail.

Her parents might have had the right to spoil her life. But what right did they have to spoil that of my son? Citing some caste and social problems, they rejected his love.

“Sanju, my darling....” I closed my eyes and opened them wiping the tears from my eyes.

And I saw the past unfold infront of my eyes. The day when the nurse told me that I had a baby boy, the day when he kicked on my chest with those cute little feet of his, the day when he learnt to walk on his own, the day when I admitted him to school when he held my shirt pleading me not to leave him, the day he brought home the prize he won in his KG level drawing competitions, the day when I kissed him when he showed me the progress report, the day when he won an essay writing competition, the day when he secured an engineering seat in a reputed college and finally.....

Finally the day when he jumped from the top of the apartment unable to bear the pain and the suffering and committed suicide.
The burden of losing someone whom you love is too much to be carried with your heart for the rest of your life.


PS:I'm well aware and guilty that i deserted my blog for greater ambitions and aspirations for quite a while.Hoping to get back on the track soon.Soon means pretty soon.See you all.

Khuda Hafiz

~Gayathri~

4 comments:

Till We Meet Again said...

Sad yet beautiful.

The success of love is on persistence and bearing through the odds together, in not losing hope and faith. And I've two living monuments to back it- my di and bro-in-law.

Most of us are too immature to understand what it means to love and be loved back.

dog said...

好熱鬧喔 大家踴躍的留言 讓部落格更有活力........................................

玉苓 said...

GOOD........................................

Amresh said...

touching....sonc