Busy..

PI:It's been really long since i even visited blogspot.Been very very busy with training,and the meager time i get to visit my family can't be wasted being online.I really miss blogging just as i miss the blogger friends,and their interesting life.Take care.

Khuda Hafiz
~Gayathri~

Alive

I'd been away for a while..and so will i be again after this lull..I wanted to call it a siesta..but i literally had the siesta even before i ate..Pun apart,I was finally into corporate world joining the league of those infinite poor innocent  souls waiting for the month end for the pay slip..

I'd been a day-schii throughout my life..hostels were not something i liked,coz i appreciated a bit of privacy and a lot of freedom..hostels provided neither..And to someone who had never been away from the home,the comfort zone,this definitely was 'an experience'..Howsoever people lauded the combination of money with freedom when it came to working somewhere away from the hometown,there are times,when your mind reiterates the fact that there's nowhere on earth more heavenly than the home..there's no one on earth more caring than the parents..

It's just been a fortnight since i joined,and it already feels like years..I missed my home like hell..Not that i had any worries there,but it's just like that..i missed my mom,my dad,bro..my room,pc,.my courtyard..my honda activa..my friends..What not..How i wished every morning,to find myself wake up out of just a dream,into the real world being my home,which obviously was just a hope hopen..To even think that i would be in a place where i wouldn't see my dad and mom get back home tired from the office,or to find my bro snoring before the heap of books,or to find myself busily smsing a friend was all hurtful..Every evening i wished for that cup of coffee my mom gave..and those cookery shows i performed at home..and those long enlightening discussions with my dad on topics varying from current ones to personal stuffs..and those wacky talks with my bro on his crush..

I knew this was life..This was how it was destined to be,and this was my time to earn,and accomplish all those long cherished dreams in life..But the emotional self keeps peeping out..I might sound weird or crazy or soppy..May be i am..Life is a bigger picture than just a courtyard or a cup of tea..but I still find it difficult..even with those friends around,and even with those 5 star facilities i'm provided with,all i wish for is,an endless today,so that my diwali holidays don't end,and i don't need to return tomo..

PS:I know this is nothing more than a short sulking post..do bear with me,if not empathize..

Note:Life is good as of now but for these bouts of home-sickness..I'm kinda in an isolated world where laptops are not allowed..and the company provides a net which has almost all those useful sites,(to be read as gmail,yahoo,facebook,orkut,twitter,blogger) blocked..And hence i can by no means read your blogs until i find some proxy..So I apologize for my absence!!

Khuda Hafiz
~Gayathri~

What next?

She was violent with fits..With all my fortitude,i asked Dr.Ravi to pay special attention to her..
It's been 18yrs..

It was my first day at college..The euphoria of standing under the limelight being the 1st ranker in state medical entrance added to the excitement of the long awaited medicos life was clearly visible in my face..I couldn't just be composed..

Long speeches on the nobility of medical profession,the ethics to be followed,the service to be rendered..It was the freshers addressing,by the principal..Speeches can be rapturously spellbinding as well as effing boring..this belonged to the latter..not coz he was speaking any bullshit..but becoz words were flowing not as a river but as a waterfall!! You capture attention when you speak from your heart,being pristine clear about what next to speak while at the same time put your point candid and succinct..

I was tired of yawning..and that was when she caught my glimpse..The tall one in red salwar with a long black hair beautifully braided..with a gleaming spotless face and a small bindi just between the perfectly curved brows..the long dark eyes and carefully carved nose..the slightly pinkish gluttonous lips..I was jolted out of my dream world when i realized it was no more the raspy harangue i was listening to but this girl's song..i couldn't fathom if her looks added grace marks to the voice,but it definitely was sweet..

That was Padma..Did i ever have a clue while ogling at her shamelessly that she was gonna be my classmate and labmate and one of my best friends in the next 5 yrs..
I couldn't take my eyes off her everytime she spoke to me nodding her head slightly..showing least of all nuances..Neither could i help admiring her..for the compassionate way of dealing with every tom dick and harry around..for the dexterity with which she spoke 6-7 languages..for the gracious dance performances..

Since when did we become friends is unknown..not that i took any undue interest out of the reverence for her..but somehow we ended up being in the same group in the 1st year..and later on ended up being in the same gang,fooling around as well studying the ass off together..
The 5yrs were the wondrous age of my life..the happiness and enjoyment is beyond articulation..I couldn't thank god more..

"Das,I need to talk to you.."

"Yeah sure.."

Our final exams were done with..And that was padma..with an unusual coy and preface..

"It's been 5.5yrs we had been knowing each other..Not that i claim to know you in and out..your past and future..but i feel i can keep you happy,and more,i cannot be happier if i'm yours..I love you with all your strength and weakness.."

This is what i call the irony of life..Ever since you identify the masculineness in you,the wish,the ache,the urge to have a love blossoms..And it is when you seriously have someone knocking at your door,that you understand that it was not love but a fling that you wished for..

"Listen padma,not that i have anything against you..not that i dislike you..But to me,my career is most important,at least at this point of time..Marrying at 23 may be feasible for a girl,not a guy..moreover an MBBS is not at all sufficient to be an established doctor..i have my aim and vision,and i cannot veer from it,and neither can i get distracted for another 5-6yrs..I know you would wait if i ask you to,till then..But i canot get committed or ask you to be expectant of my return to you..So i would request you forget this conversation,and we remain friends forever"

I'd pondered over my words over and over again the entire night..My state of mind,my actions in the past which could have been a wrong cue for her..I couldn't read anything from her face..As always she never gave away her mind in nuances..I didn't know when i slept off amid the flurry of thoughts..but only when i woke up to ravi's nudges at 4.30am that i knew i was long asleep..

"Man,padma OD'ed herself with insulin,propenelol and phenol barbitone.."

"What the fuck!! When? And where's she now??"

All i can remember now i seeing her in the ICU,and later comatose for a very long time..

Time passed by and public memory is very short..I wonder if anyone remembers her even..But can i forget her just like that??The one,whose life i sabotaged,if not intentionally though..

I'm married,happily of course..and I'm now an established cardiologist in the city..But does the brightness in my life succeed in overshadowing my dark past??I prayed for her life,when she was in the ICU..I prayed for her death when she was left half dead..Now she's alive..no more comatose..But in a more despicable pathetic condition of lunatic-ism..Can i sleep at least a wink without the prick of guilt and contrition before i die? Why would god be this cruel!!

Appendix: As far as i know,an overdose of insulin reduces blood sugar to precarious levels so that oxygen supply to brain is blocked and brain is rendered useless.. Phenol barbitone reduces blood pressure,an overdose is equally dangerous to hypertension.. Propenelol is sleeping pills.. So the combination of all the three is worse than cyanide..

PS: STORY

Khuda Hafiz
~Gayathri~

Musings..

'..The capacity to laugh at oneself is a sign of an individual's strength and wholeness.The inclination to discover grievances where none exists on the other hand,is a sign of emotional or psychological ill health..
..The disposition to be immoderately upset by even innocuous situations or statements should get us all deeply concerned..
..We must tolerate,indeed encourage and celeberate, the spirit of humour even if it is likely to prove vexatious at times; for the alternatives to humour are cruelty and weariness.Living as we do in grim and cheerless times,we should not exile the spirit of humour, just because we feel insecure about the irreverence that is germane to it..'

 -The Hindu,22/09/09

Sometimes or rather most of the times,i feel,I'm one of those non-humorous mundane beings who doesn't even know to crack a joke..not that i categorize into those people with some attitude problems who restrains a smile..
Humor is a talent which not everyone is blessed with..But appreciating,everyone can..Cracking a joke,or at least a chuckle to ease the tension,is something that most find difficult..
After all life lasts for not more than 65-70yrs,at the most..and we spend it brooding over trivia,fuming ourselves at frivoulous stuffs,regretting on retrospection..Why so serious..

It's not that the humorless me suddenly found herself guilty and decided to redeem..No,.not that i don't want to,but that's not something i could achieve overnight..for I'm one of those vulnerable ones,finding it comfortable to chastise and crucify the self rather than laughing at the situation..worse is when i don't forget my mistakes howsoever small,and keep reminding myself with guilt to the extent that i find a grip of tormenting jinn over my body which makes my life less happy..it sometimes appears to me as if i find a pleasure in incriminating and incinerating myself,which ultimately has to change if i happen to look forward to the prospects for fullness in life..

May be i should overlook my mistakes as well as others',for,to err is human..

PS:Congress spokesperson,on dynastic succession: You appreciate 4th generation of lawyers,and 5th generation of doctors in a family,then why not a 2nd or 3rd generation in politics???? 
Reliving the caste system,eh??Potter's son becomes a potter,and sweeper's son,a sweeper..

PPS:Really proud of Yugratna Srivastava..The kid gives me goosebumps!!

Khuda Hafiz
~Gayathri~

Pity..

Black Effendi : "Since I had,in my childlike naivete, no doubt that my love would be reciprocated,I grew exceedingly assured and came to regard the world as a good place. You see,it was with this same earnestness that i involved myself with books, and came to love them, to love the reading my Enishte required of me back then, my religious school lessons and my illustrating and painting. But as much as i owed the sunny, festive and more fertile first half of my education to the love I felt for Shekure, I owed the dark knowledge that poisoned the latter time to being rejected; my desire on icy nights to sputter out and vanish like the dying flames in the iron stoves of a caravansary, repeatedly dreaming after a night of love that i was plunging into a desolate abyss along with whichever woman lay beside me, and the notion that I was simply worthless-all of it was furnished by Shekure"

Esther : "Every idiot assumes there's a pressing circumstance about his love that necessitates particular haste and thereby lays bare the intensity of his love,unwittingly putting a weapon into the hands of his beloved.If his lover is smart,she'll postpone the answer."

-Orhan Pamuk

I'm still flabbergasted at the intensity and repertoire of this feeling called love.. To some,it's a motivating power,a driving factor,an energy capsule,which penetrates into the hardest shells,and consumes it fully revitalising it.. To some,it's just a degrading aspect plunging the already satiated soul into an abyss.. More or less like a nuclear fission n fusion reaction taking the form of the destroyer or the sustainer..

What makes it a subject of contemplation now,is the fate of a very dear friend,who plummeted into shit from the state of reverence..A genius he was,spiritually enlightened,intellectually elated,remarkably poised.Somewhere along he lost himself over to a girl who filled his heart,which then he felt to be void till date.."My love,in its fullness and purity,is for none other than her..not even my parents or siblings shall dare stake their share for it..",were words that escaped his mouth..

For reasons obscure,she denied..the more she ignored him,the more persistent he was..and the more determined he was to prove his credentials.. His crucifixion didn't really last any longer than 6 months when she nodded a yes.. If you, the glorified reader, supposed it to be the end of the story,you are wrong..for it was only the beginning of a fall..

Friends he lost,for she consumed him totally,eating up his money n time..priorities changed..it was not symbiosis,but parasytism..

An imbecile she was,when it came to studies,and he was pride to take up her tutilege..The more he sacrificed himself to bring her up,the more he lost himself..Law of conservation of marks stood ratified,coz every single grade she earned was visibly lost by him,to the extent that she was at par with him in the penultimate sem,and surpassed him towards the end,when he was still grappling with the backlogs ever since his lovelife flourished..

Very few campus romance sustains forever..and sometimes we fail to understand that it's only the grades and the friends we earn in the college that stay by you perpetually..He earned neither..and ironically he lost her too..a mutual break up they call it..whatever it was,he lost himself,his values,his friends,his academic credentials,every goddamn thing for her,only to prove worthless in the end..

Was it worth that?

Khuda Hafiz

~Gayathri~